Back-Up Plans...

Do you have back-up plans?

I realize that this is the title of a Jennifer Lopez movie that I will watch whenever it hits DVD, but I'm in no way talking about it right now. :-)

Sooo....back to back-up plans.

Back-up Plan: held in reserve as a substitute if needed.

I have quirks. Well...they probably aren't quirks, but I like to refer to them as quirks. These quirks provide me with safety or at least the allusion of safety. I even have back-up quirks that are kinda like fail-safes and these provide me with more allusions of safety in case my other quirks fail. It's a complicted process for someone looking in to my weird little life. It's not complicated to me though. It's simple and well thought out.

But what do my back-up plans say to those around me? Do they tell the relationships I'm in that they aren't safe enough. They aren't trusted enough? Guilt begins to pour in when I think of this. Shame begins to knock on the plastic door to my tumultuous heart and asks to sit and taunt me for a while. My Logical side grabs some tea and lectures me about how I should get rid of my back-up plans cold turkey. "Rip off that fear band-aid.", Logic coldly says. The Dreamer in me just sits looking out a window thinking about what life would be like without back-up plans. But the voice I hear the clearest is the one in the corner. My Fearful side is huddled in a corner holding her knees to her chest. She whispers the words " please no"...sometimes repeating short panic-filled sentences over and over.

I'll give you an example I joke about with people. It's so much easier to self-deprecate myself about this when describing something that in my own opinion isn't so funny...but that's what people want-- a person to poke fun at so they're own silly quirks remain hidden. Anywho, when I take a shower I triple check the front door, I then "booby-trap" my bedroom door, lock all the bathroom doors and I have a weapon near the shower. I joke around that this is because I watched Psycho. You want to know the truth? I've been doing this way before watching a skittish woman get stabbed by a crazy-ass white man who wears his dead mother's clothes.
Now you are probably asking yourself "what the heck is she afraid of?". I'm afraid of many things. None of which I want to expose or explain on my blog at this moment.

My back-up plans keep me safe. I check things, and re-check things and triple check things. I have back-up plans for my back-up plans. And each one keeps me crippled to fears that I can name and fears that have no-names. I have so many b-p's that I couldn't even begin to write them all down. And I wouldn't because they are my quirks and only those who have been invited to know the darkest parts of me can be privy to that information.

I wonder what it will take to not have back-up plans? I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough. If I'll ever live the way that I write my comic book characters. I wonder if I'll ever live up to my new motto "Senza Paura. Senza Ritengo" (without fear. without restraint.)?

{oh and btw...this motto is owned by me. seriously. it's for a comic book i'm writing so if i see it anywhere without my permission. i'll hunt you down and show you my fearless, unrestrained side.}

I want those in relationship with me to know that they are safe...they are trusted. I want to be able to sleep, take a shower, walk into a room, etc without a tiresome, repetitive routine that makes my husband wonder if he alone is enough for me to feel safe. I long to just be free. But I'm not free. I'm nowhere near to being free of my quirks. I'm still in the corner with my knees buried in my chest.

Do you have back-up plans?