This month has just officially sucked for me physically. The cough that won't go away...the lungs that won't be still...the rib that is cracked...the muscles that can't seem to relax...and precious sleep that is either lost or running away from my tired body.
Oh don't get me wrong...not really looking for a lot of sympathy here. Some is nice though. :-)
I'm just tired. Tired of whatever my body is going through...tired of being emotionally exhausted as well.
I don't believe in the whole "maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson in your sickness". It's a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Sorry if you believe it...I'm not trying to offend anyone out there. I just don't think that me coughing up my lungs and cracking a rib is God trying to teach me "patience...or perseverance...or trust...or (fill in the blank)." It feels incredibly mean and cruel that a God so powerful would have to "stoop" to such levels... Remember please...this is just my own lil opinion. I can be wrong. I just don't think I am. ;-)
I will say that through all this I have cried. I mean...yes...I've cried in GG with other ladies about parts of my story...but I haven't cried about all that's going on right now...especially about N's job situation. But this weekend I have cried. A lot. And it's felt good. I've been trying to stay strong...to stay sane...to keep my head above the waves (and quite literally anyways cuz I can't swim for crap lol). I've said "I'm fine." "It's all okay...I'm just tired. Emotionally and physically. But I'm handling it." 'It's all good." "Blah blah blah". :-) This keeps me from connecting completely with my heart. It keeps me from going emotionally crazy everywhere. And it keeps from crying. I haven't had any tears lately. It's been hard for me to cry lately (for me...i mean).
But all this body pain has made my tears flow. And it feels natural and good.
I am desperately waiting for something to come through job-wise for Nate. And I have already planned in celebration for whatever job he gets, I am getting a new tattoo! lol. So if you want some ink too we can go out and have an ink party lol! haha.
My "desires" right now are very simple...nothing big...nothing grand... Like for example, one desire is to be back in my own bed. Our bed is soft and oooh so perfect for a sleep-lover like me, but when one has a cracked a rib a soft bed is not a good thing. Too much sinkage. So I've been on the couch. It's a plumb little sucker, but no sinkage...which makes my ribs happy. My sweet husband has even been sleeping on the floor next to the couch just so I don't have to sleep alone. I married an awesome guy! Last night we had an interesting conversation in the dark:
Me: Hey...it's like we're having a slumber party babe!
Nate: Haha. Yeah.
Me: Maybe tomorrow night you can braid my hair and I'll paint your toe nails.
Nate: Ooo goody. And then we can talk about boys.
Me: haha-coughcough-oww-haha. don't make me laugh.
Nate: So sorry... hahaha
I really have nothing else to say right now... So have a good Sunday.
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