Multiple Choice

When you ask me how I'm doing do you mean:

A) You are serious and actually want to know exactly how I am doing?
B)Asking because you want to see how good I should be doing?
C) Asking to be polite, but not really interested in the realness?

When you ask me if I've taken a pregnancy test because my period is late do you realize that:

A)   I'm now going to shut down emotionally.
B) I have taken more pregnancy tests then I would care to admit and taking one more and seeing a negative (again) is heartbreaking?
C) You make me feel stupid for sharing this personal thing with you.

When you ask me if I've considered adoption do you realize that:

A) You have asked an insensitive question?
B) You have completely dismissed my longing to give birth with my own body?
C) Yes, we have considered it and yes, we would like to adopt regardless of getting pregnant or not.

When you ask me "Are you feeling better yet?" do you realize that:

A) I did not stub my toe or catch a cold? I did not get pregnant once again.
B) That question makes me feel like you are rushing my grief to be over with?
C) You have dismissed almost 2 years of my grief and heartbreak in one question?

Do you realize that when I share something personal about my infertility experiences:

A) I do not want you to share it with others (no matter how small or big). This is my story to share.
B) There are no other options than (A).

Do you realize that when you flippantly say "Don't worry about it. You'll get pregnant.":

A) I want to shake you hard and slap the shit out of you?
B) This is so hurtful and inconsiderate to my pain?
C) You have no right to say this because it may never happen and all it does is shame me and my body.

If I don't reply to a well meaning message of support: 

A) It does not mean I don't appreciate it. Quite the opposite. It's just that some times I feel a loss of words and a simple thank you feels impersonal and distant. I apologize if I don't respond...sometimes I feel to defeated to offer anything back.

When you say "You're so lucky to not have kids." or "You have no idea how hard it is.":

A) My heart feels physically stripped bare and beaten.
B) I would love to feel how hard it is.
C) No, I am not lucky that my body cannot give me the one thing I want most.

When you talk about how birth control is to blame for infertility do you realize: 

A) How hurtful that is? I took it for almost five years. Are you saying that it's my fault I'm not pregnant? If so then you need to go have a talk with Jesus. Stop being insensitive and uninformed!
B) That by saying this you show that you have not done any research about infertility and are just saying things you have heard or read on the internet.
C) bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. bleep. bleep. bleep.


I know it's hard to understand, but:

A) Every day is painful and hard. There are few good/easy days.
B) I want to be a mother so much. There is no erasing that ache.
C) I need support and love. It's lonely in the ocean of infertility. Very lonely.
D) I rarely ask for help, but that doesn't mean I don't need it. I do. Desperately.

Little Tidbits of Thought

1. This is totally random. I thought I'd see what 10 songs would pop up on my Itunes Library and this was the order:

Firework - Katy Perry

Sunrise - Nicole Nordeman

Better - Regina Spektor

4 In the Morning - Gwen Stefani

Resentment- Beyonce

Ready - Kelly Clarkson

I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas

Littlest Things - Lily Allen

Daydreamer - Adele

Shoots and Ladders - Korn

Man...Hahaha....I love how it started with Katy Perry and ended with Korn. Their styles of music couldn't be further apart than... well... than a chocolate chip cookie and a rock. :-)

2. I finished reading Mommie, Dearest. It's not a long book, but it took me a whole weekend to get through. I really should've been finished with it in like two days ago. But it's intense. It's not a book you can just run through. Reading about someone's abuse is not something I can just "run through". And yeah, in case you were wondering it's written by Joan Crawford's daughter Christina Crawford. I'm not even going to say if all the stuff written is true or not because it's not my story. I do find it interesting that regardless of our stories the vows and messages, the ways we learn to survive and so on are so very similar. It makes my heart hurt for my own story and for others.

3.

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining...

in love even when I am alone...

and in God even when He is silent."

{Inscription found scratched in a wall in Germany by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camps.}

I saw this written on a block (it's a medium size square block that holds three tea candles at the top...it's beautiful!!) at Hallmark a couple weeks ago. I remember looking at it and just standing there. Those words were so powerful. Those words do not always feel true to me, but I desperately desire them to feel true all the time. I went ahead and bought it because I knew it's something I needed to see. Everyday. A constant reminder. Every time I look at it the world seems to just stop... I feel a quiet calm enter my being. It's a hushed stillness. A reminder that my God is always there. Even when I feel His silence so strongly. And I can believe that He's always here with every once of my being. It's easy to write that...and easy to believe in the good times...but it's hard to hold onto those words so tightly and believe them every day...no matter what.

4. Conversation A:

(I'm in the kitchen tearing and cutting up junk mail)

Nate: Babe...what are you tearing up??

Me: MY DIGNITY!!!

(said very dramatically while throwing paper in air)

Nate: Hahahahahaha!

(he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me)

Nate: Oh Babe, I love you. Hahah.

Conversation B:

(the first part of this conversation was me telling Nate about a movie I saw on TCM about this dude who pretended to be crazy to get into an asylum to solve a murder and then at the end he goes crazy himself.)

Me: What would you do if I started seeing things that weren't there?

Nate: Well. I'd take you to a Psychologist.

Me: No. You would take me to a Psychiatrist.

Nate: What's the difference?

Me: A Psychiatrist can prescribe you medication.

Nate: Well at least the first could ask you about your feelings to figure out why you were crazy.

Me: Well it's a good thing I'm not. I mean, come on, if I were crazy would I be seeing that cat run across the street??

Nate: Where? (looks for cat on street then sees my mischievous face) Hahahaha! I cannot believe I just fell for that!!

Me: (i couldn't stop laughing at this point)

I'm so glad I can make my husband laugh with my goofiness! :-)

My Jeans & A Joke

I feel like I need to post something random right now... Got a lot on my mind so I just need to set it aside and be a little silly...

I have a pair of jeans that I love. And when I say love...I mean LOVE. I've never had a pair like this before and haven't been able to find another pair like it that fits so perfectly. They are my holey jeans.

My holey jeans are super comfortable. I can't stop wearing them. I have about six other jeans that I rarely wear because these jeans are so perfect. They are me. Holey and comfortable. Fun and relaxing.


I should clarify some things tho...

1) Yes, I do have money to buy jeans without holes in them.
2) I did not wear these jeans as a child and never got a chance to buy another pair. I know I'm short people but sheesh! I've grown since I was a kid...an inch and a half is still an inch and half ya know!
3) As cool as it sounds a rabid band of small monkeys did not attack my legs while I was wearing these jeans.
4)I did not fall into acid.
5)I wasn't rock climbing.
6) My cats did not decide to use my jeans as a scratching post.
7)Omg! I have holes in my jeans?! How did I ever miss that??

Hmm...these are all the ones I can think of right now. Silly people! I bought my precious holey fun loving jeans like this! You're just jealous that the wind doesn't kiss your legs while you walk! Hahaha!
________________________________________________

We went to dinner with my in-laws couple weeks back and they started telling jokes when this one came up:

Two men walk into a bar and one ducks.

(or at least I think that's how it goes...)

Everyone was laughing...except me... I totally didn't get it! They tried to explain it...still wasn't clicking in my head and then I was like "Waaaait...is this like a gay joke?"

You should have heard the laughter that erupted from that table. Apparently it's just that one man walks into a literal metal bar of sorts and the other one ducks so he won't hit it. I still don't know how that's funny...

So I thought this weekend would be quiet. It has had it's moments of quietness, but very few and far between. I've been "enjoying" a full blown weekend of pmsing! Yay! I seriously blame Adam for this. Damn him for not saying

"Woman! Put that damn apple down! Didn't you hear what the Lord just freaking said?"

"Augh. Adam. You are so right. What the hell was I thinking. It just looked so shiny! And pretty!"

"I know. You couldn't help it. Now how bout we go frolic with the deers and get our funk on with this new wine I just discovered? I'm calling 'Adam' by Adam."

"Uh. Okay. Whatev."

Hahah yeeeeeah. I think I should leave our future kids theology lessons to Nate. :-D

Anywho, even tho my emotions have been on a rollercoaster...I've had some fabulous moments with my hubby. Most of these moments wouldn't be funny or interesting to anyone other than us, but I guess that's what make them so special. :-)

If you're wondering if this post has a point or is going somewhere then stop wondering. It isn't. :-) You're reading the "Ramblings of a Confused Muse" remember?

I've been working on a possible Halloween Party for this year. It's been major fun and I hope people will come and have fun with us! I'll be sending out invites sometimes in October.

Omg! It's almost Christmas!!!! Yaaaaaaaay! (wow! this post is really HAPPY! don't worry i'm not smoking or drinking anything...it's called "the positive side of pms".) I ordered our Christmas Cards from Shutterfly today. They sent me a deal for free cards and I grabbed that shit up! Christmas is freakin AMAZING (that is really honestly how i feel even without the pms haha) and free Christmas cards is even more amazing.

Well my "high" is coming down... Maybe sometime later I post something that isn't so rambly.

Me: "You married a very cheesy wife"
Nate: "Really?!"
Me: "Yes!"
Nate: "You're Mac and Cheesy"

hahahah omg. I don't know why I think that that is hilarious, but I do. I love that my hubby is just as cheesy as me. :-D

4 things I wanted to blog about...

So I couldn't figure out what I wanted to blog about today. So today's post is just some things I was trying to blog about and then couldn't think of anything else to go with it...fail. Haha.

1) I was walking over to the apartment office to pay the rent and listening to my ipod when I suddenly wanted an entourage of people behind me dancing to Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl . I seriously think that if I had a few drinks in me then I would have just done it by myself, but I didn't so I just pretended to dance around all ghetto while singing "Let me hear you say this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!". I wonder if I ever did all my crazy things in real, real life if the magical reality show people would give me my own reality show.

(fyi, real real life is real life outside my house...i really do dance around "ghetto" in my house so therefore it doesn't count and it's not real, real life.)

2) My hubs and I were being real romantic (wink wink) and he totally ruined it with this conversation:

Nate: You're my angel
Me: You're my hero
(pause)
Nate: Hah. That's two of your shows that got canceled.
Me: Wha- Really?! Thanks, now I'm depressed!

Sigh. I get very close and involved with my favorite shows. I watch them over and over again. I cry at all the same emotional spots and laugh at all the same funny moments. I love my favorite characters with a passion and bitch at the others who fail to meet my expectations. Now I wasn't a huge fan of the show Angel, but I am a HUGE fan of Buffy and so therefore I love Angel. Heroes...sigh. I can't even began to tell you how happy this show made me. I literally cried when I heard that they were canceling the show. Rude. So if you like either show please join me in a moment of silence as we reminisce on their awesomeness... and if you don't know about them or don't care...well...skip the moment of silence.






3) I was watching Wipeout and one of the girls shouted out "I don't need to go to the zoo! My man is a beast!". I'm not really sure if she was meaning that as a compliment, but I'm gonna use it as one. My man is a beast...a sexy beast! I really should include a picture where he is looking all suave and Blue Steel (I heart Zoolander!!!), but I think that this shows how much fun we have together and I still think he's a sexy beast. Whoop-whoop! :-D

4) I think I am almost done refining my "celebration ink". I thought I had it figured out and then my tattoo guy pretty much told me that what I wanted I didn't really want. sigh. I hate when they are right. So I hit the drawing board again and now have three things I want and need quotes for... Actually it's only two things, but one of the them is a two-fold thing so that makes three things. Wow! Can you freakin believe how specific I am??!! Hahaha. Hopefully in the next week or two I will talk to him, figure out which one I'm gonna get, and schedule an appointment. Yes. I know. I don't have to schedule an appointment for a tattoo, but I'm very orderly (or weird whatever) like that. ;-P

Jesus Salt...

So I've been cleaning out the cabinets to our bathroom. Oh yay! I don't have a lot of boxes to start packing everything up so I've decided to clean out and organize everything so when the boxes come I can just pack up my neat organized piles.

Lurking in the back of the bottom cabinet there sat a tiny plastic bottle thingy. It was bought out of sheer desire to shut up the salesman and well...it made my hands smooth. Can you guess? It's that Premier Dead Sea Salt stuff. Yes, sadly I am one of those pathetic Dead Sea Salt owners. I hang my head in shame.

This conversation was a result of my husband noticing this evil purchase...

N: Oh, come on, time to use the sea salt!
M: No! hahaha!

N: No don't get your hands wet yet, they have to be dry to get it out of the bottle or it will all get wet.
N (in a super religious/annoying voice): This is Dead Sea Salt, Jesus walked on this salt. This is Jesus salt. Make sure you wash with it well, Jesus probably saw this very salt, and you don't want to waste it. This salt is very special, it will make your hands feel better because Jesus walked on it. It's Jesus salt.
M: Omg! Hahahahahahaha!

My husband is one hilarious man! Oh, and yes, we have very smooth hands... Hooray for Jesus Salt and a husband that will never let me forget this purchase. :-D

Coughing, and Wheezing, and Cracked Ribs...Oh My!

This month has just officially sucked for me physically. The cough that won't go away...the lungs that won't be still...the rib that is cracked...the muscles that can't seem to relax...and precious sleep that is either lost or running away from my tired body.

Oh don't get me wrong...not really looking for a lot of sympathy here. Some is nice though. :-)

I'm just tired. Tired of whatever my body is going through...tired of being emotionally exhausted as well.

I don't believe in the whole "maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson in your sickness". It's a bunch of bullshit in my opinion. Sorry if you believe it...I'm not trying to offend anyone out there. I just don't think that me coughing up my lungs and cracking a rib is God trying to teach me "patience...or perseverance...or trust...or (fill in the blank)." It feels incredibly mean and cruel that a God so powerful would have to "stoop" to such levels... Remember please...this is just my own lil opinion. I can be wrong. I just don't think I am. ;-)

I will say that through all this I have cried. I mean...yes...I've cried in GG with other ladies about parts of my story...but I haven't cried about all that's going on right now...especially about N's job situation. But this weekend I have cried. A lot. And it's felt good. I've been trying to stay strong...to stay sane...to keep my head above the waves (and quite literally anyways cuz I can't swim for crap lol). I've said "I'm fine." "It's all okay...I'm just tired. Emotionally and physically. But I'm handling it." 'It's all good." "Blah blah blah". :-) This keeps me from connecting completely with my heart. It keeps me from going emotionally crazy everywhere. And it keeps from crying. I haven't had any tears lately. It's been hard for me to cry lately (for me...i mean).
But all this body pain has made my tears flow. And it feels natural and good.

I am desperately waiting for something to come through job-wise for Nate. And I have already planned in celebration for whatever job he gets, I am getting a new tattoo! lol. So if you want some ink too we can go out and have an ink party lol! haha.

My "desires" right now are very simple...nothing big...nothing grand... Like for example, one desire is to be back in my own bed. Our bed is soft and oooh so perfect for a sleep-lover like me, but when one has a cracked a rib a soft bed is not a good thing. Too much sinkage. So I've been on the couch. It's a plumb little sucker, but no sinkage...which makes my ribs happy. My sweet husband has even been sleeping on the floor next to the couch just so I don't have to sleep alone. I married an awesome guy! Last night we had an interesting conversation in the dark:

Me: Hey...it's like we're having a slumber party babe!
Nate: Haha. Yeah.
Me: Maybe tomorrow night you can braid my hair and I'll paint your toe nails.
Nate: Ooo goody. And then we can talk about boys.
Me: haha-coughcough-oww-haha. don't make me laugh.
Nate: So sorry... hahaha



I really have nothing else to say right now... So have a good Sunday.

Last Work Conversation...

Me: Do you know my name?
LG (little girl):
Me: Harley. Can you say Harley?? Har-ley.
LG:
Me: Do you know his name?
LG: Noooo....
Me: His name is...Batman!
LG: Yeah he is!
N: I am Batman!
LG: He's Batman! Batman!
Me: That's right! What's his name again??
LG: Batman!!
Me and Nate high-five.
the end.

Work Conversations!

Two conversations I had with two small little people today at work. Just had to share. :-D

Conversation #1:

Little Girl: I want to watch a movie...
Me: So do I! What would you watch if you could?
LG: Cars!!
Me: Oh...well...I think I'd want to watch the Little Mermaid.
LG: I have that movie! It's scary. How bout Elmo?
Me: No...Elmo scares me.
LG: No he doesn't. He's funny.
Me: Yes, he does scare me. He tries to tickle me in my sleep and pinch me. That's scary.
LG: You're funny.
Me: Heeey....Do you know what clouds are made of?
LG: Nope.
Me: Cotton Candy! And did you know if you get real close to a cloud you can reach out and grab it and eat some!
LG: Hehehe...I like cotton candy.
Me: But you have to be careful because in the cotton candy clouds there lives baby angels.
LG: Baby Angels?
Me: Yep. Baby angels live in the cotton candy clouds. Remember that!

Conversation #2:

(Little boy is almost crying, but not quite)
Me: You know...This hurts me to say this, but right now I can't hold your tears. I love you and I see your tears, but I'm not in a place where I can hold them.
LB: *sniffles*
Me: Yeah, I know. It hurts. Maybe we should just sit in this disappointment together. Is that okay?
LB: *sniffles*
Me: Okay...come here and we'll just sit.

:-) Haha....Happy Valentines Day!

For Example:

So remember one of my Random Thoughts was about how I umm....exaggerate to little children?? Well here is an example:

This past Sunday (at work) a little girl (about 4 years old) came up to me and wanted me to "eat" a plastic carrot. For some reason the kids think it's hilarious when an adult pretends to eat the plastic food...lol...Anywho, this is what happened:

Me: Oh sorry sweetie, but I can't eat that. It's my enemy.
LG: Enemy? What's that?
Me: Umm....well......an enemy is....your nemesis!
LG: Nemeis? What's that?
Me: Well...most people don't know it, but your nemesis is The Joker.
LG: The Joker? hehehe
Me: Yep! So remember your enemy is your nemesis and your nemesis is The Joker. Repeat it with me. Okay...go play now.

Hahahahaha..... It's sooo much fun!! :-D

FB conversations, God-sacks, and freedom...

I'm sitting on my couch, listening to Taylor Swift's Love Story and remembering what my heart was feeling just last Wednesday. It's an odd mix of emotions that was caused by something so trivial and pathetic. Apparently it's bad language to say "slut" or "whore" and to make fun of such things is equal to making fun of mentally retarded people. I guess I missed the memo about the new "bad" word. :-) But I found it extremely offensive to compare people in a certain lifestyle to people born with disabilities. Anywho, I was trying to let this woman know that even though she was jumping down every one's throat about a silly quote from a silly movie that I had no problem with saying "sluts" and laughing about quotes from movies, but I did respect the fact that she had a problem with it and she still needed to respect me. On and on the lady went with her weak argument and I had a good laugh about it all. Until....lol... There is always an "until" moment with these things. :-)

She decided to call me into question. She said that she had known me for a long time and also my family and that I had changed and was leading young people "astray" with my "new-found freedom". At this moment is where I sat up straight, put one hand on my hip, snapped my other fingers and said "Oh, NO, you did not!". Hah. I can laugh about it now...not so much at the moment. :-) So I wrote a rather...umm...lets go with firm....yes...okay... So I wrote a rather firm response that told her that she did not know me because seeing someone maybe once a year in passing doesn't mean that you know anything about that person and she had no ground on which to say that I had changed. And what was with that "new-found freedom" bit? I also reminded her about the whole respecting other peoples opinions thingy too. My husband then got on and said this... I have to put it down because it is sooo amazing. My husband is a true protector...

"...And if by calling my wife changed, you mean it in a derogatory way, I will challenge that with every fiber in my body. I have seen my wife grow in Christ more in the last year that I had ever imagined possible. I wish I had as much faith and trust in God as she does, or the gifting to help others in the way that she does. She is in the world, not of it, and trying to reach the people she comes in contact with in truth and love."

So with my husband's words I picked myself back up and went about my day...he even took me shopping when he got home! Then we got back and I had a message in my inbox from a girl who...well...let's just say that we are complete opposites in personality and relational styles...we just aren't compatible. She had made one comment on that whole FB exchange and I just came back with a "listen you never like what I have to say and that's okay...it's our special thing". So this message starts and finishes with "I have no problem with you" and then goes on to tell me that none of my beliefs are Biblical or Spiritual and I am not in the parameters of those who profess Jesus. On and on. I was furious at the end of that letter. I decided to not answer back because it would just become a vicious circle between us and I also decided that she had crossed a line and I needed to de-friend her from FB.

So later on that night...after I was able to let my anger go and just sit in what happened did I realize why what both of these people said made me go to shame and anger so fast. My whole life I've been told that there are rules and regulations to being a Christian. It's all about following those rules and getting it right. It's so exhaustive. I've always wanted more then what they were offering. One day I decided to jump off their boat and swim to my God who hates being put in a box. A God who is loving and redeeming and big and huge and playful... A God who doesn't want me to be in box. It hasn't been an easy road to follow. It's hard when people want so desperately for you not to be free with a might God.
One of my deepest longings is for people to truly know me. And it feels so gross when people who have never had a face-to-face conversation with me assume such false things about me. My anger was only a cover for the hurt that came up over once again being told that I wasn't "Christian enough" and having my heart missed all over again.

At the retreat I went to this week the question was brought up about if God's yoke is easy and if His burden is light. I felt such resistance to that question and immediately started asking myself what was going on. And then it hit me. I'm not sure I know what His yoke and burden feels like. All this time I have been allowing people to throw their "God-sacks" on me and shame me about their own God-in-a-box deal. I still had all those God-sacks on me and was allowing those two people to throw on more. Yuck. It felt so liberating to say that in our connecting time and to realize that I wanted...oh so desperately want...to know what my God's yoke and burden feel like. I can imagine in my head what it looks like, but right now it's hard to describe in words. It gives me hope and comfort though. I am shedding myself of those exhaustive God-sacks and giving myself permission to sit with God and enjoy Him as He enjoys me.