Happiness.

I'm sitting here in the quiet surrounded by a half lit/half dark room. It's been another day of me sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos and Netflix bingeing. It's not unusual behavior...in fact...it's becoming the new norm in my life. The safety and quietness of my house contains my tears and pain without the questions or strange looks or the need to pretend.

This weekend I've had to pick myself up and push myself out the door with the desire to not miss the time offered to me by a friend. And on Monday night I gathered up the strength, slapped a smile on my face, pushed down the pain and went out to celebrate a dear friends birthday, but even up until all those moments I was wrapped up in blankets in the dark.

I don't feel happy.

Yet, when I post on Facebook or Instagram I look happy...and truth be told in those captured moments I was as close to happiness as I could possibly be.

I look at my face in the pictures from Monday and this weekend and good god, I look so happy. I want to run back and just sit in those moments forever. I even cried last night about how I just wish "I could be happy again."

I remember what true happiness feels like...it's just been a really, really, really long time since I have felt that deep in my bones. It's weird to me that I can feel some happiness...a temporary happiness and then as quickly as it was there it suddenly disappears again. Small moments that I make sure to snap a picture of so I can look back and puzzle over the smile that desperately is trying to mask the overwhelming pain I feel.

I wonder how it looks to other people who might know all or some of the pain I'm going through. Does it puzzle them that I can write/cry/isolate myself, but suddenly show up in a picture looking full of life and happiness? I feel conflicted between hiding forever in this darkness and not wanting to miss the life events of other's around me. Goddammit. I feel shame for looking/feeling happy and then coming home and stripping my clothes and mask off and falling into a depressed heap on the couch.

I lied about how happy I was. Or did I? Fuck if I know what's what anymore.

Am I happy? No.

Was I temporarily happy in those moments? Yes.

Why should I give a crap about what other's think? Because I'm afraid.

I just want to be happy again and not have this pain touch every part of my heart. I want to look at events and pictures and know that I was really truly happy in those moments and that I came home feeling elated and refreshed. I want to not push down the pain in a desperate attempt to show up as fun, carefree Mal so that no one is made uncomfortable by me or because of the feeling that if I miss showing up to this then I'll never get the moment back again.

Does this even make any sense?!
Screw it. It's back to Netflix for me...

Multiple Choice

When you ask me how I'm doing do you mean:

A) You are serious and actually want to know exactly how I am doing?
B)Asking because you want to see how good I should be doing?
C) Asking to be polite, but not really interested in the realness?

When you ask me if I've taken a pregnancy test because my period is late do you realize that:

A)   I'm now going to shut down emotionally.
B) I have taken more pregnancy tests then I would care to admit and taking one more and seeing a negative (again) is heartbreaking?
C) You make me feel stupid for sharing this personal thing with you.

When you ask me if I've considered adoption do you realize that:

A) You have asked an insensitive question?
B) You have completely dismissed my longing to give birth with my own body?
C) Yes, we have considered it and yes, we would like to adopt regardless of getting pregnant or not.

When you ask me "Are you feeling better yet?" do you realize that:

A) I did not stub my toe or catch a cold? I did not get pregnant once again.
B) That question makes me feel like you are rushing my grief to be over with?
C) You have dismissed almost 2 years of my grief and heartbreak in one question?

Do you realize that when I share something personal about my infertility experiences:

A) I do not want you to share it with others (no matter how small or big). This is my story to share.
B) There are no other options than (A).

Do you realize that when you flippantly say "Don't worry about it. You'll get pregnant.":

A) I want to shake you hard and slap the shit out of you?
B) This is so hurtful and inconsiderate to my pain?
C) You have no right to say this because it may never happen and all it does is shame me and my body.

If I don't reply to a well meaning message of support: 

A) It does not mean I don't appreciate it. Quite the opposite. It's just that some times I feel a loss of words and a simple thank you feels impersonal and distant. I apologize if I don't respond...sometimes I feel to defeated to offer anything back.

When you say "You're so lucky to not have kids." or "You have no idea how hard it is.":

A) My heart feels physically stripped bare and beaten.
B) I would love to feel how hard it is.
C) No, I am not lucky that my body cannot give me the one thing I want most.

When you talk about how birth control is to blame for infertility do you realize: 

A) How hurtful that is? I took it for almost five years. Are you saying that it's my fault I'm not pregnant? If so then you need to go have a talk with Jesus. Stop being insensitive and uninformed!
B) That by saying this you show that you have not done any research about infertility and are just saying things you have heard or read on the internet.
C) bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. bleep. bleep. bleep.


I know it's hard to understand, but:

A) Every day is painful and hard. There are few good/easy days.
B) I want to be a mother so much. There is no erasing that ache.
C) I need support and love. It's lonely in the ocean of infertility. Very lonely.
D) I rarely ask for help, but that doesn't mean I don't need it. I do. Desperately.

"As soon as you stop thinking about it, then it happens." 

I seriously hate this quote.

It's something people offer others in order to be "helpful". It's one of those annoying placating phrases that they say when they have nothing else to offer.

I've noticed that the only people who say it are those who already have what the other person is longing for or they can't even possibly understand because they don't have it. Regardless it's always said by someone who hasn't ever felt that ache. I have never heard someone who is in the tension and feeling the ache ever offer those words to another in their situation.

Wonder why?

Because those are shitty words that make a person feel shame because their ache is too deep to just "stop thinking" about it.

I wish I could just stop thinking about wanting to have baby. I wish I could stop thinking about the fact that I have been trying for almost a year to get pregnant without any success. I wish I could stop feeling this overwhelming sadness and ache. I wish I could stop thinking about how badly I want to be a mother. I wish I stop feeling the ache every time I see the babies in my family and my friend's babies. I wish I could stop.
According to that phrase then maybe I will become pregnant if I just stop thinking about trying to get pregnant. Wow. My mind is blown.

If only it were that easy.

If only people would stop and think, "What if I were in their position? How would my heart feel if those words were offered to me?"

It's Just Another Manic Mon --- Wtf?!

(dim lights...dark music)

(Captain Picard begins to speak)


Twilight...The dark new world. These are the vampires of angst and new-found humanity. Their mission: to explore pasty-white chalk, to seek out animals instead of yummy humans, to glitter like diamonds in a sun where no vampire has stood before.

The tale of forbidden love is timeless. The tale of a human girl and a vampire falling in love isn't as timeless...you can put a date on it. In fact you can date it to 1997. Please join me as we travel to Sunnydale located in California. Here we will find a pretty girl who finds out that she is more than ordinary. She is a slayer. And out of all of the pretty boys she could fall in love with she choose (dum dum dum) a vampire! Meet Buffy Summers and Angel.

We even have a rare event of a Vampire woman falling in love with a human. He doesn't stay human for very long, but that's a whole different story. Now we will travel to 2003 where Selene and Michael share a forbidden love that almost leads to their death, but love conquers all...especially when you are vampire and your lover is half vampire/half werewolf.





I could go on and on about vampire romances, but I think you get the point.
Forbidden vampire love is not anything new.

Vampire: A reanimated corpse that is believed to rise from the grave at night to suck the blood of sleeping people.

Vampires have to feed on humans. It makes them a vampire. There are only three vampires I know who had a serum to keep them from feeding...and even then they had to keep taking it or else they would revert. Meet: Vampirella, Blade, and Tesla.

Vampires do not glitter in the sun. There are some vampires who can stand in the sun (very rare of course), but they do not...i repeat...do not glitter in the freakin hot sun! Sun = bad.

Sun does not equal glitter.

Yes, Vampires can be beautiful and handsome. They can even have pale skin (you know...cuz of the whole sun thing). Sometimes vampires can even have an "ugly face". But vampires are always bad-ass. It's a requirement. They are mean, fast, and vicious. Not happy-go-lucky, or emo-ish. They are sneaky and cruel and soulless and just freakin wicked awesome!

Twilight has failed to deliver real vampires. Stephanie Myers has taken old stories and added some new stuff and delivered nice vampires that tweens will fall in love with. I'm all about introducing vampires to a younger crowd, but Really?? Really?? do we need to dumb them down to make them more family friendly. I'm sorry. Vampires are not family friendly and it's dishonoring their age-old legend by turning into something other than the living dead. Even Angel and Bill maintained their "I will kick your ass and suck you dry if you give me a chance" attitude while they play "nice" and tormented vampires. They are men...not boys. They were real vampires not Twilight wanna-be vampires.

Twilight...

WTF?!

It's Just Another Manic Mon--- Wtf?!

Today has been filled with lots of laundry and ironing and so that didn't leave a lot of time for perusing the internetz for strange things to blog about. I did find a few things and after a process of elimination tonight's winner is:

1) I think it's safe to say that we all grew up with Disney. If you didn't...I'm sorry. You should dedicate a night to watching all (or almost all) of the Disney classics. My favorite Disney princess has always been Cinderella. There was just something about her tender, dreamy spirit that invited my little heart to dream with her. I remember swaying about and singing "A Dream is a Dream Your Heart Makes" or cleaning up while singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale" and even secretly hoping that someday I would have a cat like Lucifer (which ironically...I now do). Cinderella was always dreaming....just like me.

I've read several different versions of the Cinderella tale. I have even watched several different movies about her. But never, ever, ever have I seen this version of Cinderella.

Yes. Yes, you are seeing this correctly. Meet Cinderella and her Prince Turd. This movie stars a lovely, young girl who seems to have murdered her wicked step-sisters and Sleeping Beauty and combined their ball gowns for her own debut at the Royal Toilet Ball. Here she is met by Prince Turd (freshly laid of course) and together they sing around a toilet fountain and instead of leaving the glass slipper, Cinderella decides to when you gotta go you can leave rather large chocolate gifts for the world to see. Forget trying that one on for size. Who can blame her? She lead a shitty life back with her Evil Step-Mother and Sisters. If you live with shit then the only option is to take it to the ball. I really wish I could forget the above picture, but I can't...I just keep seeing smiling turds with small turdish feet.

Wtf?!

2) Well... After dancing turds the next place to go is to the marriage bed and flatulence. It's the logical progression people. :-) I can't even begin to write anything on this... Every time I try I just burst into laughter. Enjoy the video. Apparently The Better Marriage Blanket is a real product and a real ad.

Happy Manic Monday!

It's Just Another Manic Mon--- Wtf?!

::So I decided that I should add something a little different to my blog. Mondays are tiresome enough so I thought I would try to spice it up with random things I've found. The title that I will be using each Monday is a combination of one of my favorite songs, "Manic Monday" by The Bangles, and one of my favorite sayings, "wtf!". :-D Hope you enjoy! ::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's your child's birthday and you are wondering how to surprise your special bundle of lamb joy. Should you buy an inflatable castle, a petting zoo, or do the usual take fifteen tiny teacup humans to infiltrate an already over-populated tiny teacup human playhouse? No. Your child doesn't need any of that. Your child needs something that no other child has ever been surprised with! Guess...go ahead! In your wildest dreams, I'm pretty sure you'd never see this one coming. Well...unless you really hated your pesky little one.



Ladies and Gentlemen...May I introduce you to the new hit sensation:

" Evil Clown, Dominic Deville"!

You may hire Dominic Deville to stalk your child for a week. He will sending chilling phone messages and texts, place traps in letterboxes, and post notes telling your child he is watching/following them. And guess what? All your child has to do is avoid getting hit in the face with a cake. If your child is a tough little cookie and is able to run like hell from the evil clown carrying a cake then as a reward your child will receive this cake on its birthday as a present.

Ooo yay!


Here are the instructions to give your kid:

1) Don't crap your pants.
2) Don't forget to go to therapy after this is all done.
3)Don't forget we love you lots and lots when you turn into a scared lump of nothingness. Signed, Mom and Dad.


Now don't worry. This evil, stalking clown will never break into your home and if your child collapse from fear then Dominic Deville will stop the stalking. No need to terrify your kiddy. After all, every kid wants a creepy clown stalking their every move. It's all fun!

I mean...come on! Little Timmy and Jane really want this guy for their birthday... Go on...make the call. It'll only cost 666 pounds. But hey! who can put a price on their child's sanity?

Wtf!?

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/821591-evil-clown-hired-for-stalking-threats-and-a-pie-in-the-face

So apparently I'm not Snow White...

So I was talking with a friend of mine and she convinced me to write down my very traumatic experience. So I will. :-)

It was a week ago and I was doing the horrible job of laundry. I hate laundry by the way....it's one of the cons of being human. I had taken a break from my domestic duties to play YoVille and was rather immersed in baking and decorating for my little avatar when I got a phone call. My husby was coming out of work early! I realized that I had a load of laundry that needed to be switched over to the dryer (btw what happened to the 2000's being the super-age of robot technology??!! sigh.). So I decided I would do it before N came home rather than later...later=never.

I got up, walked out to our balcony (that's where the w/d is housed) and I closed the door. *Click*. I whirled around and to my horror I saw that when I had closed the sliding door, the safety bar had come down. Tears sprang to my eyes and I kept saying "no...no...no" very frantically while banging on the door. Oh...and to answer any questions, I did not have my phone on me and all I had on was a t-shirt and pair of jeans on. No phone, no socks, no jacket, No Way In. Tears were pouring down my face and I was banging on the door and shaking it and going crazy in my head and not in my head...I was just a crazy woman locked out of her warm, cozy apartment. To make matters worse, I had locked our dead bolt and now not only could I not get in the apartment, my husband could not get in on the other side either. Did I mention we live on the third floor and our apartment over looks an a wooded empty lot. Fear of heights and fear period was setting in at high levels.

I finally know what it feels like to be a cartoon character street urchin. Here I was with a tear-streaked face and shivering looking in on a warm Christmas-filled house. All the lights were off except for the twinkle lights and tree lights. The soft lights bounced off the furniture and ornaments, the nutcrackers smiled in the warmth, and the snowflakes hanging from the ceiling were gently swaying. It was beautiful. And made me cry even more. Suddenly my little cat, Hermes, realized that something was very, very wrong. He started squeaking very loudly, scratching at the glass door, and throwing his body on glass. Poor little guy. Finally I heard the door bell ringing. I started banging on the sliding door again.
*Ring Ring Ring* *Pause* *Ring Ring Ring*
This went on for awhile and then I heard a "Babe?". I ran to look over the balcony and there was my Knight in Shining Armor. He was able to throw his jacket and socks up so I could wear them while he got the handyman to help. Help=drilling a hole into the door to pop the deadbolt open. It makes my heart so happy that my Knight came to rescue me. So romantic! :-) I love you baby!

You know what the really sad thing is? Disney failed me. I mean I have my Prince Charming already and I don't need the perfect little body and big wavy hair...I don't even need the beautiful singing voice. Disney has never failed me. Until that day. Apparently I'm not good enough for the woodland creatures to rescue! Rude! Where were the birdies and squirrels and deers to help get me down...or at least sing me a cute woodland song to calm my nerves while I waited. Apparently I'm not Snow White...and woodland creatures don't love me. Oh Disney...why did you fail me? I have loved your movies since I was a little girl... I have been a faithful Disney watcher... Why me? I still love you Disney... but you'll have to find a way to redeem yourself from this incident.