Giving Up Soda

I don't observe Lent...all though one year I did go to a Lent Service on campus... I don't really remember much of it.

--Beginning of rabbit trail--

This year my "sick number" was called. The Evil Sickness Society called my number and I then (unwillingly) accepted my fate that consisted of a really bad sore throat (and when I say "really bad...I mean like...hurt = so painful it felt like my throat was burning.), stuffy nose and cough. Even though my lungs are bad and my getting the tiniest cough results in weeks & weeks of coughing (last year I cracked a rib thanks to me coughing like a crazy person for two months) I'd take all of that rather than a burning throat. I literally went four days without talking. Um. Yeah. That totally sucked.

So of course with the inability to drink anything without tears pouring down my face I was completely soda-less for a week. "So what?" you might ask. Well, it's kind of a big deal to me. You see I'm a...sigh...a soda addict. I used to be a caffeine addict for years. I would drink Dr. Pepper for breakfast. Well...Dr. Pepper and a honey bun. I would do that every day (sometimes just skipping the honey bun) and then I would have at least two more Dr. Peppers in the afternoon and then at least one for dinner and then maybe one more while studying. I didn't even think anything of it. I was thirsty...and it tasted good.

After I got married my Dr. P count went down and up depending on what was going on. If I went even a day without it I was punished with a horrible migraine from hell. Then I realized I was drinking too much of it. So I committed to drinking only 1 a day. I never wavered from that until one day I got food poisoning. I was sick and feeling a migraine coming on since I hadn't had my fix for the day. So I wibble-wobbled over to the fridge, grabbed a can, and took a couple sips. I then ran to the bathroom and hurled that up. Just so you know, throwing up Dr. Pepper is nasty. So nasty that I went cold turkey. It took me months and months to just try it again without remembering that taste & feeling. From then on I decided I'd drink non-caffeinated soda. So everyday I'd drink either a Root Beer or Twist. Everyday. Every week. Every month. Until my "sick number" was called up this month.

I couldn't believe that I went a whole week without any soda. Not of my choice, but still!!

--End of rabbit trail--

Like I said, I've never observed Lent, but after that week I decided I was going to give up drinking soda "for Lent". I even thought it was going to be easy. I mean hey! I went a whole week without it...how hard could it be right?!

It's been hard. Very. Hard.

I figure that I made the right choice.

I'll even be honest and admit that I screwed up one day. I went with a friend to Chick-fil-a and got a Sprite (and water) with the order. I kept thinking "It doesn't count if I'm like eating out...you know." But I knew it did. I only had three sips of my soda before I stopped and went with my water. I haven't touched any since.

I guess you can say I'm not even doing it for Lent...I'm just doing it until it's over. I'm doing this because I know it's important to me. It's important for me to see myself be strong in the place of an addiction I've had for years. I'm sure some would scoff..."It's just soda?! How lame!". But then that's why you aren't doing it...it's not important to you... but it is to me...that's why I am doing it. I have believed that I "need" soda. I "need" to have it every day. I'm slowly realizing that I don't "need" it. I can drink water or juice instead. I've gone 19 days without soda. I can keep on no matter how much I'd rather have one. I even feel better without it. My body feels better without it.

That's cool to me.

There isn't anything exceptional about this post. No amazing revelations. But I'm kinda proud about how strong my strength can be...even if it is just about soda. And yeah, like I said, that's cool to me.

I love...

...that my husband can find and squash the hell out of internet viruses so I can get back to blogging. lol.

....Sugar, Sugar! Nate found this game and got to level three before he quit. I decided to try it and now I'm on level 29! Woot! I don't know why I'm obsessed with this game hahah... It's highly addictive if you're into games like this.

...Spending the whole day shopping. I went this past weekend to La Cantera and shopped for hours! And yeah, I got some pretty cute stuff. :-)

...finding cute decorations for our place!

...watching TCM. I've abandoned all my other channels and it's been TCM all the way. I seriously love the classics. When I was younger that's all I watched. My dad would take me to Hollywood Video and the library and instead of getting the "modern" movies we just got the "oldies". I remember there was a family my mom & I would house-sit for and their movie closet (yes, they had a literal movie closet) was filled with classics. That's where I fell in love with Deanna Durbin!

...that we're taking our first vacation this year! Well, exactly in 39 days! :-) I'm so excited! The last "vacation" we went on was our honeymoon. I can't wait! I can't wait! I can't wait!!!! Hahaha!

...that this year I'm turning 25! Yeah, I'm old now. But 25! It's pretty scary, but pretty awesome at the same time.

...that I have such crazy ass dreams when I sleep. I think that's one reason I love to sleep. My dreams are so wacky it's unbelievable. I still maintain my best dream was when I got married to Johnny Depp and we owned a zoo maintained by Oompa Loompas & a shrimp factory aaaand held grace groups for zombie-like people. Hahaha. Nate has never let me live down that I was married to Johnny Depp in my dream. Oh Lordy.

...watching Harry Potter with my favoritest girl in the whole world!

...waking up to my husband cuddling me before he has to get up to go to work. Mmm.

...my nose ring. It's cute and me.

...the opportunities I've had to watch two of the cutest little boys ever. It's made me realize how fun it's going to be when I have little boys!

...(and thanks to Anna texting me today about this) CAKE POPS!!!! Hahaha! Starbucks now sells cake pops. Next time you go in for your coffee just ask for one and experience the yuminess of cakepops. I really want to put one on a cupcake haha.

My Toys...

I can remember almost toy I ever had. Raggedy Ann & Andy, a Rainbow Care Bear my mom made me, Water Baby, horses, cars, American Girl dolls, a Precious Moments princess, Madeline, a ballerina doll that would twirl around when you held her hand...i could go on.

I always thought my toys were real. I talked to them, cried on them, played out so many stories with them, and held them tightly. I made little "books" out of paper to teach them school and I even scheduled sleepovers with them. I would choose some of "my friends" and we would pile in bed together. Each one had a corner or pillow of their own. When the lights turned out I would talk to them quietly and giggle and then surrounded by my dolls I'd fall asleep.

There was this one baby doll I had that was mine & Ricky Martin's love child...Ricky Junior. Haha. I had bags full of soldier guys. I'd spend hours outside playing war. I used little rocks as the "bombs" and "bullets". I had a ton of paper dolls and people, houses, rooms, and cars I cut out of magazines.

I remember pushing my Madeline on a swing we had at one of our houses. I remember twirling around with her and talking to her. I remember the little scar she had on her tummy. I would pretend I had one too.
I had a huge boar once. And a big bunny that I got at Alabama. I had a ton of beanies babies too. One of those beanies babies was a floppy dog that went with me to PCC.

I didn't have a lot of friends growing up, but I always had my toys. In all honesty, I considered them my friends.

I always thought they were real...even before Toy Story came out. I love the Toy Story movies. Andy's toys were loved and played with the same way I loved and played with my toys. I finally saw the last Toy Story and yes, I cried. Once again I was reminded of my all my toys and all the memories. And yes, I couldn't help, but wonder if my toys ever felt abandoned like that...wishing for the days when we played for hours.

I even wondered about my poor old bear that I gave away. I don't remember where I got that bear, but he was a big one. He had light brown fluffy hair, dark eyes so shiny you could see yourself, a cute brown velvety nose and a plaid bow wrapped around his neck. He sat on my bed everyday. He wasn't a bear I would "play" with. He was the bear I would hold when I was lonely or tired. He was the bear that caught my tears when I was crying. He was the bear that heard my whispers in the dark. He sat on a pillow right next to me while I slept. Mr. Bear was special. I bagged up a lot of toys when I left home. Most stayed in my old closet. Some were donated. But a few moved with me. He was one of them. He was placed in a bag with my two American Girl dolls. But after a lot of moving around he began to show the wear and tear of his old age. In one of the moves, I pulled him out, remembered all the memories, held him and then placed him in a bag to give away. Who knows what happened to Mr. Bear after that. I hope maybe a girl like "Bonnie" got him...like in TS3.

This post really doesn't have a point. I just woke up this morning with one of TS's songs in my head. "When Somebody Loved Me"...the one Jessie sings about Emily in TS2. And yeah...I cried a little when I looked up the song so I could hear it all. So after some tears and remembering my days with my toys I just thought I'd write a little bit of it down.

I can't wait to peek into my little girl or boy's room and watch them playing with their toys. And I hope to snap a picture of it for them when they're older so they can remember too.

I sure did love all my toys... :-)

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you

Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

When she loved me

Our Corpus Trip

I'm loving these little trips with my hubby! We headed down to Corpus for a little R&R since we had a Groupon for a hotel down there...a hotel room was pimped out with a Sleepnumber bed (wow...um...best sleep ever!) and a jacuzzi (yes...in the room!!). It was veeeery romantic!
We even went to the Aquarium for the first time while we were down there. And as boring as this might seem to some people we found a HalfPrice Books (Omg!! It was HUGE!) and browsed for awhile there. I totally scored with 2 Doctor Who books! Most of the time we just walked around or drove trying to figure out where we were going haha. While walking we discovered the most delicious seafood place, Pier 99! The mussels were to die for and the shrimp was breaded and fried to perfection. Yum. I totally want to go back.

The most delicious mussels EVER.

Very windy...so much for keeping my hair under control. haha.

*sigh* very happy

Because I'm a spunky girl....

Last night was a fun adventure! Two of my friends and I headed over to Platinum Tattoos late in the evening. One of my friends was getting a new tattoo that symbolizes so much beauty for herself and her story (you can read the story over at There is a Season) and I got my nose pierced. And yes, it hurt for awhile, but the guy did it so fast thankfully! And no, I did not watch...I'm a scaredy cat! Hahaha! And yes, I absolutely love it and so does Nate!

Make You Feel My Love...

I usually don't use love songs as "spiritual songs" or whatever you would call it, but tears were pouring today when I thought about how God has "sang" these lyrics to me throughout my story. When I first heard it I thought "aw...this is so an us (me & nate) song". But as I was getting ready today to delve into some parts of my story the lyrics and different scenes popped into my head. For the first time I really heard the incredible vulnerability and woo-ing...much like God's love. It was like He was "singing" me a little song about how much He wants me to feel His love.

Like I said...I don't like spiritualizing (is that even a word?) love songs. But for this one I can't help but think about how much my heart thirsts for that kind of love from my God.

I don't know how to upload a video from YouTube to my blog (so sad...i know), but I have the link here so you can go listen to it. :-) Did I mention I also got the sheet music so I can play it on the piano...yep, thought it would be something beautiful to learn how to play.

Make You Feel My Love.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But i would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry i'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No there's nothing that i wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that i wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

by Adele

Um. Wow. Part 2

Remember my Um. Wow. post? I didn't want to write anything about it until I knew for sure that it was going to happen. And it did this weekend.

Like I've mentioned before in a previous post piano has been a part of my story. It's a long story I really don't get into because it feels like a lot. But the catch up version is I liked playing the piano as a hobby, but that wasn't a option for my parents. It was piano lessons and piano dreams and piano careers etc that they wanted for me. It was exhausting and hard because no one would ever listen to me...No one wanted to hear what I wanted. I took piano for 12 years, went to college for three years as a Music Major, and taught piano for six years. Finally in 2008, I put an end to it. I stood up for me. I needed to detox, I needed to find me, and as long as I was living someone else's dream that would never happen.

In 2008, I didn't enroll again at college. In 2008, I told my boss that at the end of the semester I would no longer be teaching piano. In 2008, I packed up all my music, turned off the light in my studio room, and closed the door for good. In 2008, I made a commitment that I wouldn't touch the piano again until I wanted to. In 2008, I told Evil enough...enough of whispering lies into my ears each time I touched those keys...enough of me drowning in contempt and shame...Enough...No more. For years, I had been forced to do something I didn't want to do. And finally I realized that Mal deserved something better. I deserved to voice my opinion and make it heard. So I walked away.

And I was happy. It felt so good to be away from piano. I knew I did the right thing.

Then exactly one year later I sat down at my old piano and played a bit. It felt good...I enjoyed playing whatever was still lodged in my little brain. But just as easy as it was to sit and play, it was just as easy to get up and walk away again. Yeah, it did feel good. And yeah, I realized that I still enjoyed playing. But I wasn't ready yet. It felt like a taste of hope. A taste of what it would be like to someday just sit and play for fun without any expectations. I got up, smiled and remembered the good things about me playing and knew that someday...maybe someday I'd come back, but today wasn't that day.

2010 came and went with me still remembering, processing, and being content in not playing. And then 2011 arrived. With Nate's new job he's always getting these little gift cards for just being awesome (okay it's not really for that...more like being good at referrals, but I like my reason better!) and he had two for Best Buy. So in January we went to see what he could get there. We looked and looked and finally we decided on a movie (I know...so impressive haha).

But that's not even the point... While we were meandering I saw they had digital keyboards. I walked over to one, noticed it wasn't working (which was good to me...It's a big pet peeve for me when people disturb the shopping peace by making noise on instruments or toys or singing cards...) and did a few scales. I can't even describe what happened inside of me. It was just like this warm feeling washed over me... Kinda like in LOTR when Aragorn gives the King Theoden of Rohan his sword so that he can wake from the stupor he's been in because of Wormtongue.

Something just came alive. I wanted to play again. I wanted a piano again. I was ready to start over just for me. So God and I had a talk where I let Him know what He already knew. I was ready to play again, but wondered how I could. We don't have the money to just drop on a keyboard. I needed a full key, hammer weighted with pedals and sounds like a grand freakin piano, keyboard. That costs a lot of money. So an idea popped into my head. What if I asked my parents to sell my old piano and take that money to help towards a new one that would actually fit in our place. It felt very risky, but I stepped out and did it.

I called my dad the next night and the next day my mom was calling me. I usually don't answer the phone when I'm getting ready (trying to put makeup on and shouting "what? I can't hear you...talk louder!" into the speaker isn't exactly fun), but this time I did. I could feel my anger rising when I realized there had been a miscommunication. Usually when I get angry I spout off with some retort. This time I didn't. I just listened. Hah. Good thing because little did I know how that miscommuncation would benefit me. So because of what my mom thought was going on she had called a family friend to get info on these keyboards. And then God showed up like freaking Gandalf at Helm's Deep (hmm..I'm really in a LOTR mood lol). The family friend informed my mom that he would gladly give one of his digital keyboard to me as a gift. Um. Wow.

Did I believe her at first? Oh no. I mean how could God be that good to me? What just happened wasn't possible in real life. Things like that don't happen...least of all to me. But it did.

After I finished talking with my mom I sat there dumbfounded. God you know all the pain in that part of my story. When I tell it it's a quick, sometimes unfeeling, sometimes contemptuous way of telling it. The truth is there were so many little lies Evil was successful in drilling into my brain with each stroke of those keys. There is a lot of pain...and hurt... And that's not something I like sharing and being vulnerable about with people. What makes the tears fill up in my eyes is God knew how many tears were shed, books were thrown across the room, hurtful words people hurled at me like "you're handicapped because your hands are too small", back spasms I had from playing for hours at a time, dreams that were smothered from something I didn't want to do.
He knew I needed a break. He knew I needed to walk away and let it burn up so a couple years later I could scoop out a precious piece that was hidden in all the crappy ashes.
In a matter of a week I went from content in not playing to hungry about playing just for me to God giving me a gift that showed me He cared beyond words. He cared. He cared...

I've always struggled if God even cares about certain parts of my story. That week I experienced the truth in this area of my story. He really, truly cares...

I finally got my piano this week. It's so awesome. I pulled out all my books and have played through some of them. It's amazing to think that I still remember so much after all this time. I had to sit at that piano and just thank Him. I won't be playing for people...I won't be teaching again...I won't do anything I don't want to do... I'll just be playing in the quietness of my upstairs. It's finally a hobby. It's finally what I always wanted it to be. I think it's finally what He always wanted it to be for me... My heart is full and tender from His love and care.

Yes, Mal. You are passionately loved by the God of the Universe.

Um. Wow.