There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
It widens more everyday.
My heart aches from its core.
The ache brings tears.
Sometimes there are enough tears to drown a city of mice.
And other days my tears are as dry as a ghost town.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
Every crushed hope leaves a chasm of devastation in its wake.
My heart struggles to continue on this beaten path.
A scream catches in my throat.
The bees in my stomach sting harder.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Its getting harder to breathe.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
I'm tired of hearing nothing.
Or hearing a no.
Or whatever you call this.
I'm beat up.
I'm bruised.
I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm here.
I'm present.
I'm trying.
I'm numb.
I'm pretending to see light in darkness.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
Why does everything hurt.

I came up with a list of possible titles if I were ever to write a book or more specifically an autobiography:

Never Trust a Skinny Baker

The View From a Short Girl in High Heels

Cupcakes, Boobies, and Other Fun Things

Memoirs of a Book Whore

Dear God, Am I Related to Santa Claus? 

From Closet Nerd to Preppy Geek

Cupcake Drunk 

Save a Bookcase, Buy a Book

Awkward Turtles, Little Cows

Dear God, Are You Sure I'm Not An Elf? 

Let Me Slap the Stupid Off Your Face

Yes. I Am Laughing At You. 

Please Get Out of the Bathroom. I Have to Pee. 

More Ramblings...

I felt like it was time to start blogging again. Writing a new story in this safe place felt right and keeping the same name was perfect for me. I feel like no matter how much I might change I will always be a Confused Muse and I will always ramble. I get a funny little picture in my head when I say my blog name and it makes me smile. So the name stays. 

I haven't kept a blog lately because I just haven't had the time to write. Another reason is that I'm afraid of being really honest in my blog and people might find it, read it, know my business or think that it's about them. I'm at the point now that I'm going to just say "Screw it.".  If no one finds this blog then great. If some one does, fine. If you read it to be nosy, oh well. If you get mad, too bad. If you get offended by my language, I'm sorry.  

I'm tired of hiding my words. 

Move over bitches. 

The Confused Muse is back. 

I Remember....

Floating on the water and letting the other drag us around in circles in the pool.

Sitting half-way in the pool and eating Mint Oreos. 

Laughter. Lots of laughter. Laughter that erupted from our core. 

Walking in the woods and swinging on an old tire. 

Trying to scare each other at night. Oh the screaming that occurred! 

Whispering.

Competing at who could play the piano better.

Listening to Josh Groban. Pretty sure we were head over heals in love with him. 

The day she gave me our "Best Friend" ring as a Christmas gift. It carefully sits on my jewelry box.

 Her following me to my room and laughing at how Nate "couldn't keep his eyes off me" months before he and I started dating. 

Cutting out and playing with our paper dolls. 

Being sprawled out on the floor tracing pictures of the classic actors/actresses. 

Envying her ability to speak her mind so bravely. 

Feeling shame whenever she bluntly stated how small I was allowed to live. It was truth. But in light of how big she lived and how I didn't there was shame that would cause tears whenever I was in private. 

Sitting at a bakery and eating pastries. 

The disappointment I shut down when she wasn't present at my dress-fittings or showers. 

Acting like a "party-girl" in our relationship as we got older. Pushing and pulling. Running away before I could get hurt. Never acknowledging all the loss that occurred. 

How the gap kept widening and we didn't try to fight for what we had. 

The night I graduated from high school. What a fun night. Wearing tiaras and fairy wands. Dancing and laughing. Twirling around in our dresses. 

Debating who was better: Cary Grant or Clark Gable? Humphrey Bogart or Fred Astaire?

How protective she would get for me. 

Talking for hours and hours. 

Playing and being mischievous. 

Wrapping my arms around her so tightly. We hugged so often and so fiercely. It's surprising and shocking to realize that I have never hugged any friend so dearly and freely since those years. And ever since my physical contact with friends has been as minimal as possible. 

Being so angry. Not realizing that I just felt lonely and abandoned. 

Our code names were "Lucy and Ethel"

 Talking on the phone like there was no tomorrow.

The love we had for each other.

Seeing her in the hospital for the first time. It was scary and confusing. 

It was always just the two of us. We were the mis-fits in our other circles, but together we were inseparable and perfect. 

Growing up. Becoming very different people. 

Walking arm in arm through Boerne Main Street.

Sharing a love for imagination and for literature. 

Skipping around like idiots. 

Crying all day when I found out she died. 

All the regret. All the processing that took place...too late. So many unanswered questions. Words that will never be spoken face-to-face. 

I wish I could give her my face, my laughter, my tears, my words, and my love, but it's too late. 

We were too stubborn. Too scared. Too stupid. 

The good times are held dearly in my heart. 

The bad times still hurt. 

It will be one year in May. 

I still love her. Heart and Soul. 

Beautiful People and Best Moments

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."

-Amy Pond (Doctor Who)

There are few people in my life who fit this description, but as I let those words roll around in my mind their faces burn brightly. I wonder who in your life has "turned into something so beautiful"? It's a pretty awesome experience and since it's rather rare for me, the experience is noticed and treasured even more.   


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I've always been horrible at keep journals. I start them and then eventually I stop. I started a private blog online for all my journalling needs and that lasted awhile...but, it has been three years since I've written in it. Wow. But I have started a new one and hopefully I'll keep up with that. I have been doing something rather different in a beautiful journal N gave me a couple years back. It's one of those gorgeous Italian old world journals. I've written non journally things in it. Stuff like a letter to my future son (hopefully there will be a son in my future so he can read it), a scene from my story, etc. But lately I've been writing in it every night. Not pages or paragraphs. Just a sentence or two. 


When I was on Pinterest a month ago, I saw there was a journal that was for you to record your "best" moment of the day. It stuck with me. I kept thinking about it and finally decided that I wanted to do that. I started a new page and titled it "Mal's Year of Moments". And for about a month I've faithful in writing down what I considered the "best" moment of the day. Some days it's really easy. And on the bad days...well...it's really hard to find something beautiful in the midst of the chaos. And for that very reason I have been determined to do this for a whole year. 


It's so easy to remember the good days. And it's so easy for me to slap a "bad" or "shitty" label on a day and throw it away discouraged and angry. But when you have to sit down and find a "best" moment from a chaotic or crap day it becomes a treasure hunt. Sometimes I've just wanted to give up and write "bad day...no good moment.", but I haven't and I'm glad. Whenever I sit there and quiet myself and slowly rewind through the day I am amazed at what I can find. "Best" moments don't always look like crazy happy or jumping up and down moments. Most of the time a "best" moment for me is a moment that is easily forgotten because it's quiet and thoughtful...or me just soaking in something beautiful. Sometimes a "best" moment in a bad day looks like me realizing that amidst the bad I was able to be kind to myself and I didn't think twice about it. 


Doing the Year of Moments Journal has felt kind to myself. And it's given me a different perspective at the end of each day. It's weird that I seem to find out more about myself when I give myself a "challenge" of sorts and I am wiling to stay dedicated to that challenge. 

A Question...

I was talking to a girl before one of my classes started and she asked why I had a band-aid on my toe. I laughed and told her about my toe accident and that because I wanted to wear sandals today I didn't want my half dead nail to be staring at people. We laughed about it and then she asked how long I had been married. I told her it would be 5 years in June (where has the time gone btw!). Of course that was proceeded with how old I was (25) and then a "wow! you got married young".

I guess I did. Everyone says that so I suppose it's true lol. But then I tell them that we knew each other for 8years before we started dating and that leads into me telling a short "our story" tale. I add that while I was young I was ready. Haha...very ready! I wasn't scared or nervous about enmeshing my life with this man. I was excited.

Then she looked at me and asked "Do you believe in true love?". I was kinda surprised by this question. Not in a "oh my gosh why would she ask that" type of way. I was surprised because in the time I've been married I've never been asked that question. I'm not even sure that before I got married anyone asked me that question.

I scanned her face to see if she was mocking me or something, but instead I was met with a curious and longing face. "Yes. Yes, I do.", I answered softly.  She went on to tell me that she found it hard to because she had been burned so many times and now she was in another relationship and didn't know where it would lead.  She asked how we made it work and I answered honestly. We make it work because we work at it. We don't have a perfect relationship. While we always love each other there are times when we don't like each other. But we have learned to communicate. We've learned to listen to not only what is being said, but what is not being said. We have had arguments, we have misunderstood each other. We have cried with each other. We have held the other and walked through the different "rooms" of our stories. We laugh a lot. We get each others quirkiness and uniqueness. We constantly are learning each other. We are best friends. We are lovers.

We didn't just get married and everything was perfect. Not at all. We had to learn all of this. We are still learning. Mistakes have been essential to experience. And almost five years later this man makes my heart jump and flutter with a deep passionate love. Yes, I do believe in true love.

It makes me sad when I'm met with question I can't answer about being single and finding "the one". I don't know what it's like for them. I know what it's like to be single until 20. I don't know what it's like to be single past that. I don't know what it's like to be in your 20's or older and not having your person. I can offer advice. Encouragement. I've learned a lot about a guy's mind from my husband and the guy friends I have. I can offer that, but my help can only go so far. And then I feel helpless. I wish I could offer more.

I believe in true love. I guess that's why I love Disney so much. True love exists. Someday your prince will come. No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true.  It may not involve poisonous apples, lost glass slippers, enchanted castles, spindles, frogs, evil queens, life under the sea, or flying carpets. But who knows, maybe you're story will have some of that.

I do know what it feels like to think that you won't find your one. I know how much it hurts. How deep the ache runs. I know how lonely it is. I know that it's easier to settle for something less to fill the aching hole. It's easier to convince your self that it's worth it because if not then you'll be lonely and pathetic... even though you still feel all the more lonely and pathetic.

But I know the beauty of realizing there is someone who wants to put the glass slipper on your foot. The one who will fight through thorns and dragons. The one who will offer you true love's kiss. The one who wants to travel through the stars with you. The one who will offer your heart so much more than you could ever imagine.

And if I could go back in time, I would tell myself... "It's okay to cry kid. I know you feel like you won't get your prince. But I promise you, he is coming. And he'll sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. "

Yes, I believe in true love. Yes, I do.

Random Thoughts

1. I miss my best friend very, very much. Every time I walk into the mall or into a starbies or a comic book store or finish Skyping with her I feel that sadness tugging on my heart which reminds me that her presence is noticed and missed... a lot.

2. Driving is becoming more natural to me and I have all these fun little "driving" stories to talk about lol. And I don't like that people don't like me driving at the speed limit. It says limit for a reason right?! Safety baby...that's what it's about!

3. I ponder a lot in my heart. And because of that it's time to start journaling again.

4. I've started watching the sweetest little boy in the world. He makes me smile and laugh each Wednesday I'm with him.

5. I love blogging on my MacBook. It feels amazing! Hence the blog posts.

6. I'm glad I'm blogging again....

7.  Listening to classical music while blogging is divine. And makes me wish I could actually play the pieces that dip my heart in a warm bubble bath.

8. I am drawing a little comic strip about two little zombies. It's kinda cute and funny! But I haven't really shown anyone because I am not an artist and I think that they will think it's stupid.

9. It's a new year which means at some point I will re-read all my Harry Potter books like I have done for the past three years. And when A comes back I will finally have someone to watch the movies with!

10. I haven't eaten a single gummie bear in 2 months. My palette has been demanding dark chocolate. I have a bag stashed in my night stand drawer. And one down stairs. If you ever happen to be in my house and eat one... Well... I will punish you. Two things you should never touch: my Peanut Butter and my Chocolate. I have sharing issues.

11. Recently I've been leaving my ipod on shuffle and it has been very pleasing! Usually I just trust my playlists to make me happy because I'm looking for very specific mood music. I don't know about you, but the majority of my playlists are based on songs that compliment a mood I might be in. If I just let my pod wander around in my music collection the results can be weird. It'll go from Dashboard Confessionals to Korn. Not a good mix. Or DMX to Katy Perry. Hahaha! But lately when I get in the car I forget to choose a playlist and just turn on my pod and it's been pretty awesome. Each song flows right into the next with perfection. Good job iPod. Yeah, it deserves a "That'll do Pig.".

12. I have officially found my theme song. It feels so Mal. Hahaha. Sometimes I break out singing this and always end it with "Mal" instead of "Jess".  :-) I'm a dork.  New Girl Theme Song