FB conversations, God-sacks, and freedom...

I'm sitting on my couch, listening to Taylor Swift's Love Story and remembering what my heart was feeling just last Wednesday. It's an odd mix of emotions that was caused by something so trivial and pathetic. Apparently it's bad language to say "slut" or "whore" and to make fun of such things is equal to making fun of mentally retarded people. I guess I missed the memo about the new "bad" word. :-) But I found it extremely offensive to compare people in a certain lifestyle to people born with disabilities. Anywho, I was trying to let this woman know that even though she was jumping down every one's throat about a silly quote from a silly movie that I had no problem with saying "sluts" and laughing about quotes from movies, but I did respect the fact that she had a problem with it and she still needed to respect me. On and on the lady went with her weak argument and I had a good laugh about it all. Until....lol... There is always an "until" moment with these things. :-)

She decided to call me into question. She said that she had known me for a long time and also my family and that I had changed and was leading young people "astray" with my "new-found freedom". At this moment is where I sat up straight, put one hand on my hip, snapped my other fingers and said "Oh, NO, you did not!". Hah. I can laugh about it now...not so much at the moment. :-) So I wrote a rather...umm...lets go with firm....yes...okay... So I wrote a rather firm response that told her that she did not know me because seeing someone maybe once a year in passing doesn't mean that you know anything about that person and she had no ground on which to say that I had changed. And what was with that "new-found freedom" bit? I also reminded her about the whole respecting other peoples opinions thingy too. My husband then got on and said this... I have to put it down because it is sooo amazing. My husband is a true protector...

"...And if by calling my wife changed, you mean it in a derogatory way, I will challenge that with every fiber in my body. I have seen my wife grow in Christ more in the last year that I had ever imagined possible. I wish I had as much faith and trust in God as she does, or the gifting to help others in the way that she does. She is in the world, not of it, and trying to reach the people she comes in contact with in truth and love."

So with my husband's words I picked myself back up and went about my day...he even took me shopping when he got home! Then we got back and I had a message in my inbox from a girl who...well...let's just say that we are complete opposites in personality and relational styles...we just aren't compatible. She had made one comment on that whole FB exchange and I just came back with a "listen you never like what I have to say and that's okay...it's our special thing". So this message starts and finishes with "I have no problem with you" and then goes on to tell me that none of my beliefs are Biblical or Spiritual and I am not in the parameters of those who profess Jesus. On and on. I was furious at the end of that letter. I decided to not answer back because it would just become a vicious circle between us and I also decided that she had crossed a line and I needed to de-friend her from FB.

So later on that night...after I was able to let my anger go and just sit in what happened did I realize why what both of these people said made me go to shame and anger so fast. My whole life I've been told that there are rules and regulations to being a Christian. It's all about following those rules and getting it right. It's so exhaustive. I've always wanted more then what they were offering. One day I decided to jump off their boat and swim to my God who hates being put in a box. A God who is loving and redeeming and big and huge and playful... A God who doesn't want me to be in box. It hasn't been an easy road to follow. It's hard when people want so desperately for you not to be free with a might God.
One of my deepest longings is for people to truly know me. And it feels so gross when people who have never had a face-to-face conversation with me assume such false things about me. My anger was only a cover for the hurt that came up over once again being told that I wasn't "Christian enough" and having my heart missed all over again.

At the retreat I went to this week the question was brought up about if God's yoke is easy and if His burden is light. I felt such resistance to that question and immediately started asking myself what was going on. And then it hit me. I'm not sure I know what His yoke and burden feels like. All this time I have been allowing people to throw their "God-sacks" on me and shame me about their own God-in-a-box deal. I still had all those God-sacks on me and was allowing those two people to throw on more. Yuck. It felt so liberating to say that in our connecting time and to realize that I wanted...oh so desperately want...to know what my God's yoke and burden feel like. I can imagine in my head what it looks like, but right now it's hard to describe in words. It gives me hope and comfort though. I am shedding myself of those exhaustive God-sacks and giving myself permission to sit with God and enjoy Him as He enjoys me.