My heart has been called to more by a woman I love dearly.
My heart was called out with words that were hard to receive, but said with such love that I could sit and hear them and still feel...
I guess I never thought about how my silence impacts people....and what it's costing me now. I've been able to excuse my checking-out to this or that. But now...now there isn't an excuse. Just the reality that it's not that I can't risk and speak, but that I won't risk and speak. Ugh. That feels so gross that I won't. It's so disappointing that I risk my dreams all because I won't trust that I am good enough...that my words have impact....no! that I have impact. I want more, but refuse to listen to what God says about me. I let the people in my story and my shame-based identity define me. I am constantly in a push-pull struggle with who I am. Knowing in my head what He says and keeping it buried away from my heart. It is so easy for me to change the things that won't leave any room for expectations of me. It's so easy for me to not run into my literal closet when I want to hide now....but it's just as easy for me to run into the closet I've built within myself. If I'm hiding you can't see me...you can't expect anything from me... But it's true...the truth is out! I can sit in a group of women and have impact. I can do it. I have people who believe in me. I have people who are cheering me on. So get out of that damn closet self!! Stop bs'ing and running around childishly within yourself! I can do it. Will I? Yes. Because now I see what I stand to lose...what people around me stand to lose when I won't be the woman God has called me to be.
Where are you Mal? I'm here...willing to risk a bloody face.
What are you doing Mal? I'm refusing to settle in my dirt...I'm standing up...I'm coming out...
Come on little girl....let's "grow up" together and have more of what our heart longs for. I am a woman of impact. No more trying to believe it....Let's just believe it and know it to be true.
6 comments:
"Because now I see what I stand to lose...what people around me stand to lose when I won't be the woman God has called me to be."
I have never thought about what others stand to lose because I choose to live out of an identity aside from the woman that God has called me to be. That feels hard and convicting and I'm sitting here crying at the weight of what you have said and what that means for me.
Mal - your words have deep impact. This is not the first time your words have pricked my heart and brought about tenderness and tears.
I love you friend. Thank you for allowing those who read your blog an insight to where your heart is. It feels holy and sacred and I am more than blessed to call you friend and sister.
I am proud of you, babe. I know you can have impact because I see how you impact my life. You are more than what your shame leads you to believe.
Mal-
I didn't plan on telling you this, but I would love for your heart to receive it...
Last week I felt like I had nothing to offer you. I felt heavy, had no words, and was lost in a battle with myself. But your words, your face, your fun spirit, your kindness... called me to a softer place in my heart. Your unique, strong, and inviting presence brought me back to life. Something in our time left me longing for more, for my Savior, for Christ.
I am blessed you showed up that day. I would have missed meeting Christ if you hadn't.
You are the woman that made a deep and eternal impact in my life that day. Thank you for inviting me to an awesome experience with my Savior.
I love you dearly friend.
i'm struggling with this so much right now. i'm glad we're not alone. living in the closet is never easy and should never be permanent.
praying for you... i want to talk to you sometime!
wow! there are still parts of me that are waiting to believe these things about myself. thank you for speaking them. im so psyched to get to walk along with you more closely right now! i hope for more for both of us, and it makes me so friggin happy.
Woo Hoo!!
Love you Mal.
Post a Comment