Things I love...

I love celebrating my husband's birthday and making him feel special. I have made a commitment to never let Thanksgiving overshadow or blend with his birthday. They are separate events and my husband deserves his very own day.

Thanksgiving isn't my favorite holiday, but I love cooking and sharing what I've made with others. I love getting dressed up and donning on some cute boots. I love being surrounded in a warm house with laughter and games. I missed holding babies and running around with my nephews and nieces this year, but I can look forward to the next holiday to get all that in.

I love leaving the Thanksgiving festivities in the cold and screaming because the trees look like people and the flag furiously blowing in the wind sounds like someone is running up behind you.

I love getting an hour of sleep before we bundle up and wait outside at 3am in front of Target just so we can get some good deals. I love being pressed up against my husband while he creates a slanket cocoon around us to protect us from the cold. I love hearing him laugh as we each have an earbud in our ears playing Dane Cook. I love the excitement that passes through everyone like electricity when the doors open. I love standing in line with very cheap movies, tv shows, presents, and a pillow. I love hopping from store to store in our pjs, going home with our loot, eating a quick breakfast and then climbing into bed exhausted, but very happy.

I love pulling out the tree decorations. I love shooing the kitties away while we decorate. I love plugging in the lights and curling up on the couch with hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls.

I love taking family pictures by the tree. I love sitting in my mother-in-law's kitchen eating tamales, shrimp, chips & queso, greek little snacky things and meatballs. I love staring at my sister-in-laws ceiling trying to find pictures of myself. It's a lot like looking at a "Where's Waldo" book!

I love Christmas shopping online for my husband. I love that his Christmas list only consists of four things because he "couldn't think of anything else". I love finding him lots of fun presents...most of which he didn't ask for.

I love that my Christmas party schedule is filling up. I love that I'm planning one for the first time. I love how Christmas is coming up very fast.

Well...I think that's enough "love" for now... :-)

Gifted

Gifted :
1. Endowed with great natural ability, intelligence, or talent
2. Revealing special talent

3. Having or showing natural talent or aptitude

Have you ever been told that you are really good at something? That you have a knack or a gift for something? Have you ever felt that feeling that "yes, I'm good at this"?

As a little girl I always had dreams of what I wanted to be good at. I had these big plans for what I wanted to do and how awesome I would be at it. I can look back and laugh at most of those things because I know, I never in a million years, would ever be good at some of those things. I wanted to be an actress. Haha. I can't even stand being in a crowed room without trying to glue myself to the wall. I wanted to be an awesome Medical Examiner. *snorts of laughter erupts* I know...I know... :-)

I was in tap for a while. I can remember liking that a lot, but I seriously can't remember if I was good or not. I wanted to be the next Ginger Rogers though. It feels weird to say that...I don't know many kids my age who would even know who Ginger Rogers was. I did though. I used to stand in front of the TV and pretend I was tapping along with Fred Astaire. I'm sure it was quite a sight. That's what happens when you're an only child. You grow up watching the Black&White movies and dance along with them as if reality stopped and their world grabbed you by the hand and let you join in their contagious happiness. God, I love those old movies. I could go on and on about them, but I suppose I should try to keep my ADD in check right now. :-)

After tap ended for me it was on to piano. There I would stay for a long time. Almost fourteen years. I love listening to piano music. It's another invitation for my imagination to disappear in a world of tearful crescendos and trills that ripple across your soul. And to be honest I enjoyed playing. Piano was more of a hobby for me. I didn't love it and I never wanted to be a concert pianist. I just wanted to sit down and play...for me. Unfortunately that was something I would be rarely allowed to do. My folks loved the idea of me playing. They could see me being the great pianist. They decided this would be the career choice for me.

They even thought singing would be a greater addition to add on. I took singing lessons for a bit (I hated them!) and then was tossed into my first singing recital. Almost every recital I had ever had I would be so nervous my hands would sweat so much I needed paper towels to dry them off. This was even worse. Add sweaty palms, a racing heart, a crowd of people, and a girl who hated singing. I missed my first queue to start...a little bump I suppose...and then belted out a shortened version of "The Water Is Wide". My face was so hot I think you could have roasted a marshmallow on it. I stared at the clock the whole time while singing, bowed after it was done, then walked fast off the stage. I still had a piano piece to perform so I couldn't join the crowd so I walked in the bathroom, and made sure I was alone before collapsing into tears. I was so angry and humiliated. And to top it off the boy I had a crush on had witnessed my humiliating performance and had offered me a very pitying look as I rushed past him to the bathroom. I never took singing lessons after that. Thank God.

Anywho. Piano. My parents always said I was so gifted at it. This was what God wanted me to do. I hated hearing that. I knew what gifted was and I wasn't it. Sure...I could play the piano. A lot of people want to, but it's not that hard to learn. It takes time and the ability to read and count. That's all. Trust me. I know this people. I ended up teaching piano for six freaking years.

I once practiced for five hours straight in one day on top of the many hours that week just for a piano mid-term. I didn't get up...I didn't goof around...I just played over and over and over again. You know what my grade was? A "C". I was constantly told that I wasn't at the level I should be at. That I'd have to work harder. My life consisted of waking up, going to all my classes, eating, homework, practicing, bedtime. And yet, I wasn't good enough. I was even told by one of my piano teachers I was handicapped because of my small hands. Pieces of music were always being altered to fit my small hands. Musicians have long fingers....I have the hand size of a 10year old. At each turn in college I was reminded of what gifted was...and I wasn't it.

I kept trying to fit into a "gift" that wasn't mine. I tried...so hard...but piano wasn't my gift. It was my hobby. I'd have to wait a year after I got married to finally step out of the confines of what others thought I was good at. It would take almost two years after that to sit down and play again. Now I'm sitting here, 24 years old, and wondering what my thing is. What is my gift? What am I good at?

I don't know. I just don't know...

Is it a foolish fantasy to want to be good at something? To find what I not only love to do, but something I'm good at too? I don't want to be like one of those people on American Idol that think they are great at singing, but really are so horrible and get laughed at when they turn around. I feel like at 24, I should have some clue about what I'm good at. Something that I can look at with pride. Sometimes I feel like I've found it, but doubt creeps in and my "not good enough" lies start whispering in my ears and I begin to wonder if what I think is good maybe isn't so good.

I was never great at piano or soccer or softball or horseback riding...the list goes on... Why can't I find my niche? Have I already found it? Am I just too afraid of failure to realize I've found it? Or am I still looking? Too many questions...time to give it a break... maybe I'll bake a pie...or cupcakes...or just sit... I don't know...

So Far This Month I've...

made a cute centerpiece basket for my new sister-in-law's baby shower!

made a Haunted House with my hubby!

carved my first pumpkin with my hubby! I love how even after 3 years we still have "our firsts"!

had to take a second glance to see that it wasn't real!

turned into a zombie!

fallen in love with an old school horsie that I couldn't ride because I was too big...

And have just had a lot of fun...

My Jeans & A Joke

I feel like I need to post something random right now... Got a lot on my mind so I just need to set it aside and be a little silly...

I have a pair of jeans that I love. And when I say love...I mean LOVE. I've never had a pair like this before and haven't been able to find another pair like it that fits so perfectly. They are my holey jeans.

My holey jeans are super comfortable. I can't stop wearing them. I have about six other jeans that I rarely wear because these jeans are so perfect. They are me. Holey and comfortable. Fun and relaxing.


I should clarify some things tho...

1) Yes, I do have money to buy jeans without holes in them.
2) I did not wear these jeans as a child and never got a chance to buy another pair. I know I'm short people but sheesh! I've grown since I was a kid...an inch and a half is still an inch and half ya know!
3) As cool as it sounds a rabid band of small monkeys did not attack my legs while I was wearing these jeans.
4)I did not fall into acid.
5)I wasn't rock climbing.
6) My cats did not decide to use my jeans as a scratching post.
7)Omg! I have holes in my jeans?! How did I ever miss that??

Hmm...these are all the ones I can think of right now. Silly people! I bought my precious holey fun loving jeans like this! You're just jealous that the wind doesn't kiss your legs while you walk! Hahaha!
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We went to dinner with my in-laws couple weeks back and they started telling jokes when this one came up:

Two men walk into a bar and one ducks.

(or at least I think that's how it goes...)

Everyone was laughing...except me... I totally didn't get it! They tried to explain it...still wasn't clicking in my head and then I was like "Waaaait...is this like a gay joke?"

You should have heard the laughter that erupted from that table. Apparently it's just that one man walks into a literal metal bar of sorts and the other one ducks so he won't hit it. I still don't know how that's funny...

Another One...

I officially have four tattoos now. I love each one because they represent a different part of who I am. One represents my freedom, two represent my playful and geeky self, and the fourth is a reminder of a painful time and the redeeming promises I felt that were made to me.

I went about two (?) weeks ago to watch a friend get a tattoo and then decided I would join in too! I can't help it! I love tattoos! I went with "Isaiah 54" written on the inside of my wrist.

About five years ago I read that chapter and I just felt like God was speaking to every broken part of me. My story would remain hidden until the love of my life came along and a very special lady who sat in front of me and walked with me in places I'd never let anyone in before.
I felt with each word I had read that there were promises for me...hope...and a God I'd never seen, heard, or experienced before.

It's been a shitty year. And for the past two months I finally feel like I'm back...I'm breathing again. It's not been easy to stay here, but I'm fighting like hell.

I stood at the front desk filling out the paper work (and really do I need to sign a paper that confirms that i know tattoos are permanent haha) and I'm wondering what I should do. I finally decided on my promise chapter. It felt right. It felt like a constant reminder of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. I love just looking at it. I love how all my tattoos are special to me. They are me.

But.... I'm finding myself becoming very contemptful (is that even a word??) of something that keeps happening more and more. It hasn't happened with everyone, but there have been a good handful of people who see my tattoos and automatically ask "Have your parents seen them?" "What did your parents say?"

Every time I hear these questions now, I bite back what may be a potentially rude comment to the person asking and I smile, shrug my shoulders, and say "I don't know. They haven't said anything."

You see a year ago I got my first tattoo. I found out that day how my father felt. I'm not going into any details here. My mother has chosen to remain silent. Whether or not she cares I have no idea. I haven't asked. I do wonder what they think, but I don't need their approval. If they choose to at least be curious about this then great...I'd love to sit down with them and share my heart. If not...then I can honestly be fine and sit with that.

It irks me now, when someone asks that. I am my own person. I make my own decisions. I'm Mal Arnold. I'm funky, quirky, playful, and imaginative. My tattoos are about me. Ask about me. I guess I'd just like for people to see my tattoos and ask me what it means...ask me about what I think... not about what other people think. People who aren't me. I'm not really sure how to express this...or how it's sounding right now. Apart of me just really wants to delete this and stay quiet. I've always just wanted people to know me. Know my heart...know the real me. I can make that hard for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I don't desire it. I just want people to see me...experience me...play with me... It feels hard to say that it hurts, but it does hurt when I hear questions like that. I feel like once again I'm fifteen with no voice...invisible and unknown.

I'm proud of me. There is a lot of work to be done...but I see me...finally! And I may not always like me, but I love who I'm becoming. I don't need people's approval of me. That's not what I want here. I just want to be seen. To be heard.

Ask me about me. The road to getting to know me may not always be easy...but I promise it'll be worth it. That sounds rather narcissistic to say...but I do know those words to be true.

So I thought this weekend would be quiet. It has had it's moments of quietness, but very few and far between. I've been "enjoying" a full blown weekend of pmsing! Yay! I seriously blame Adam for this. Damn him for not saying

"Woman! Put that damn apple down! Didn't you hear what the Lord just freaking said?"

"Augh. Adam. You are so right. What the hell was I thinking. It just looked so shiny! And pretty!"

"I know. You couldn't help it. Now how bout we go frolic with the deers and get our funk on with this new wine I just discovered? I'm calling 'Adam' by Adam."

"Uh. Okay. Whatev."

Hahah yeeeeeah. I think I should leave our future kids theology lessons to Nate. :-D

Anywho, even tho my emotions have been on a rollercoaster...I've had some fabulous moments with my hubby. Most of these moments wouldn't be funny or interesting to anyone other than us, but I guess that's what make them so special. :-)

If you're wondering if this post has a point or is going somewhere then stop wondering. It isn't. :-) You're reading the "Ramblings of a Confused Muse" remember?

I've been working on a possible Halloween Party for this year. It's been major fun and I hope people will come and have fun with us! I'll be sending out invites sometimes in October.

Omg! It's almost Christmas!!!! Yaaaaaaaay! (wow! this post is really HAPPY! don't worry i'm not smoking or drinking anything...it's called "the positive side of pms".) I ordered our Christmas Cards from Shutterfly today. They sent me a deal for free cards and I grabbed that shit up! Christmas is freakin AMAZING (that is really honestly how i feel even without the pms haha) and free Christmas cards is even more amazing.

Well my "high" is coming down... Maybe sometime later I post something that isn't so rambly.

Me: "You married a very cheesy wife"
Nate: "Really?!"
Me: "Yes!"
Nate: "You're Mac and Cheesy"

hahahah omg. I don't know why I think that that is hilarious, but I do. I love that my hubby is just as cheesy as me. :-D

I've finished another post on my baking blog (go check it out if you haven't!) while my hubby is playing Halo on his Xbox360. I keep making fun on him because when we went to buy the Xbox he swore up and down he would never be a Haloite (or whatever they call themselves lol). I didn't care if he was or wasn't, but I was like "umm okay love". He still maintains that he isn't a Halo person even though he's playing a Halo game at this second, and is planning on pre-ordering the newest Halo game coming out. Denial. Okay I think I've said Halo way too much and now I'm going to move on. Haha.

I'm looking forward to going shopping this Monday!! I am going to tear those stores up...or at least I'm hoping I will. I haven't gone real crazy shopping in foooorever. I've bought things here and there, but I've always had a budget to worry about. I still have a budget to worry about....well...except that I don't....lol...I'm using birthday money so it totally doesn't count. :-)

In other random news from this confuse muse, I just joined Twitter! I thought this event would never, ever, ever occur. I did Myspace for awhile and then I realized how ghetto it was and left. I joined Facebook and like it, but I've felt that a lot of my statuses just couldn't be posted. So finally today I decided to join Twitter so I could post all I want about my randomness and my cupcakes. I feel less "watched" there so we'll see what happens... :-)

Okay so since this is an incredibly random post I'll just add that I am so proud of a certain purchase I got this week! I was at Hallmark with Nate and I was roaming around (btw they have their Halloween stuff out! Yay!!! I freakin love Halloween!) when I spotted their clearance section. I saw some cute things, but nothing I really needed when all of a sudden I saw a Willow Tree Figurine. I didn't get my hopes up though. I realize that sometimes stupid people take things to places where they don't belong because they are too effing lazy to walk five steps over to the correct place (wow...no contempt there...). I picked her up and my heart soared. My little figurine used to be around 30bucks and she was on sale for $8. Wow! I quickly scanned for any cracks or other blemishes...nothing at all! She was perfect and I was filled with joy...which is ironic because she is the Joy figurine. Hah. Happy day!

I need to start up my Manic Wtf Monday posts again, but I've had so much fun posting about cupcakes that I've neglected this blog somewhat...oh well... :-D I will try to be better!