Another One...

I officially have four tattoos now. I love each one because they represent a different part of who I am. One represents my freedom, two represent my playful and geeky self, and the fourth is a reminder of a painful time and the redeeming promises I felt that were made to me.

I went about two (?) weeks ago to watch a friend get a tattoo and then decided I would join in too! I can't help it! I love tattoos! I went with "Isaiah 54" written on the inside of my wrist.

About five years ago I read that chapter and I just felt like God was speaking to every broken part of me. My story would remain hidden until the love of my life came along and a very special lady who sat in front of me and walked with me in places I'd never let anyone in before.
I felt with each word I had read that there were promises for me...hope...and a God I'd never seen, heard, or experienced before.

It's been a shitty year. And for the past two months I finally feel like I'm back...I'm breathing again. It's not been easy to stay here, but I'm fighting like hell.

I stood at the front desk filling out the paper work (and really do I need to sign a paper that confirms that i know tattoos are permanent haha) and I'm wondering what I should do. I finally decided on my promise chapter. It felt right. It felt like a constant reminder of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. I love just looking at it. I love how all my tattoos are special to me. They are me.

But.... I'm finding myself becoming very contemptful (is that even a word??) of something that keeps happening more and more. It hasn't happened with everyone, but there have been a good handful of people who see my tattoos and automatically ask "Have your parents seen them?" "What did your parents say?"

Every time I hear these questions now, I bite back what may be a potentially rude comment to the person asking and I smile, shrug my shoulders, and say "I don't know. They haven't said anything."

You see a year ago I got my first tattoo. I found out that day how my father felt. I'm not going into any details here. My mother has chosen to remain silent. Whether or not she cares I have no idea. I haven't asked. I do wonder what they think, but I don't need their approval. If they choose to at least be curious about this then great...I'd love to sit down with them and share my heart. If not...then I can honestly be fine and sit with that.

It irks me now, when someone asks that. I am my own person. I make my own decisions. I'm Mal Arnold. I'm funky, quirky, playful, and imaginative. My tattoos are about me. Ask about me. I guess I'd just like for people to see my tattoos and ask me what it means...ask me about what I think... not about what other people think. People who aren't me. I'm not really sure how to express this...or how it's sounding right now. Apart of me just really wants to delete this and stay quiet. I've always just wanted people to know me. Know my heart...know the real me. I can make that hard for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I don't desire it. I just want people to see me...experience me...play with me... It feels hard to say that it hurts, but it does hurt when I hear questions like that. I feel like once again I'm fifteen with no voice...invisible and unknown.

I'm proud of me. There is a lot of work to be done...but I see me...finally! And I may not always like me, but I love who I'm becoming. I don't need people's approval of me. That's not what I want here. I just want to be seen. To be heard.

Ask me about me. The road to getting to know me may not always be easy...but I promise it'll be worth it. That sounds rather narcissistic to say...but I do know those words to be true.

So I thought this weekend would be quiet. It has had it's moments of quietness, but very few and far between. I've been "enjoying" a full blown weekend of pmsing! Yay! I seriously blame Adam for this. Damn him for not saying

"Woman! Put that damn apple down! Didn't you hear what the Lord just freaking said?"

"Augh. Adam. You are so right. What the hell was I thinking. It just looked so shiny! And pretty!"

"I know. You couldn't help it. Now how bout we go frolic with the deers and get our funk on with this new wine I just discovered? I'm calling 'Adam' by Adam."

"Uh. Okay. Whatev."

Hahah yeeeeeah. I think I should leave our future kids theology lessons to Nate. :-D

Anywho, even tho my emotions have been on a rollercoaster...I've had some fabulous moments with my hubby. Most of these moments wouldn't be funny or interesting to anyone other than us, but I guess that's what make them so special. :-)

If you're wondering if this post has a point or is going somewhere then stop wondering. It isn't. :-) You're reading the "Ramblings of a Confused Muse" remember?

I've been working on a possible Halloween Party for this year. It's been major fun and I hope people will come and have fun with us! I'll be sending out invites sometimes in October.

Omg! It's almost Christmas!!!! Yaaaaaaaay! (wow! this post is really HAPPY! don't worry i'm not smoking or drinking anything...it's called "the positive side of pms".) I ordered our Christmas Cards from Shutterfly today. They sent me a deal for free cards and I grabbed that shit up! Christmas is freakin AMAZING (that is really honestly how i feel even without the pms haha) and free Christmas cards is even more amazing.

Well my "high" is coming down... Maybe sometime later I post something that isn't so rambly.

Me: "You married a very cheesy wife"
Nate: "Really?!"
Me: "Yes!"
Nate: "You're Mac and Cheesy"

hahahah omg. I don't know why I think that that is hilarious, but I do. I love that my hubby is just as cheesy as me. :-D

I've finished another post on my baking blog (go check it out if you haven't!) while my hubby is playing Halo on his Xbox360. I keep making fun on him because when we went to buy the Xbox he swore up and down he would never be a Haloite (or whatever they call themselves lol). I didn't care if he was or wasn't, but I was like "umm okay love". He still maintains that he isn't a Halo person even though he's playing a Halo game at this second, and is planning on pre-ordering the newest Halo game coming out. Denial. Okay I think I've said Halo way too much and now I'm going to move on. Haha.

I'm looking forward to going shopping this Monday!! I am going to tear those stores up...or at least I'm hoping I will. I haven't gone real crazy shopping in foooorever. I've bought things here and there, but I've always had a budget to worry about. I still have a budget to worry about....well...except that I don't....lol...I'm using birthday money so it totally doesn't count. :-)

In other random news from this confuse muse, I just joined Twitter! I thought this event would never, ever, ever occur. I did Myspace for awhile and then I realized how ghetto it was and left. I joined Facebook and like it, but I've felt that a lot of my statuses just couldn't be posted. So finally today I decided to join Twitter so I could post all I want about my randomness and my cupcakes. I feel less "watched" there so we'll see what happens... :-)

Okay so since this is an incredibly random post I'll just add that I am so proud of a certain purchase I got this week! I was at Hallmark with Nate and I was roaming around (btw they have their Halloween stuff out! Yay!!! I freakin love Halloween!) when I spotted their clearance section. I saw some cute things, but nothing I really needed when all of a sudden I saw a Willow Tree Figurine. I didn't get my hopes up though. I realize that sometimes stupid people take things to places where they don't belong because they are too effing lazy to walk five steps over to the correct place (wow...no contempt there...). I picked her up and my heart soared. My little figurine used to be around 30bucks and she was on sale for $8. Wow! I quickly scanned for any cracks or other blemishes...nothing at all! She was perfect and I was filled with joy...which is ironic because she is the Joy figurine. Hah. Happy day!

I need to start up my Manic Wtf Monday posts again, but I've had so much fun posting about cupcakes that I've neglected this blog somewhat...oh well... :-D I will try to be better!

I'm Back Baby!

Oh wow! It feels like forever since I blogged! I'm sitting here listening to mah music and eatin mah gummie bears (Thank you Anna!!!!) and watching Syfy (darn them for not having an original movie on).

So I'm going to be 24 next week and this year has been interesting for me.

So far...

• I've been in GG for 2 years... It's definitely felt like longer haha.

• I become addicted to Trolli Gummie Bears

• Had breakfast with this freakin amazing girl one morning and discovered I had found my best friend

• I was a superhero for Halloween

• I got a three tattoos

• We got a Playstation2 and then months later traded it in for an Xbox

• My husband's job was on the rocks, then he quit, we were jobless and scared, and then he got a job at an incredible company.

• We moved out of our small apartment and into an awesome townhouse (and it has a backyard!!).

• My husband and I have laughed over many things, had some fierce times, shed many tears and wept together, grown closer and more in love.

• Had three cat accidents:

1) Hermes cut himself on my razor.
2) Thalia fell from our loft (she didn't realize that there wasn't anything to stop her from falling off the ledge).
3) Thalia is still recovering from getting in a fight with Hermes. He won by pulling off a piece of her skin. She is now wearing a "cone of shame" (if you haven't seen Up you need to...)

• My sister-in-law Liz and her best friend came over and transformed my hair from black to red. It's awesome having a different color and my virgin hair did great!

• I begrudgingly watched Eclipse. Ew.

• I have a dream about something I would love to have happen... So I'm gonna keep plugging away and see what happens...

• My comic book collection has grown by leaps and bounds and will continue to keep growing

• My heart is starting to feel tender again...I feel like I can start breathing...I'm trying to not live small...it's hard and scary as shit, but I'm a fighter.

I could go on, but I feel like sitting in what I've written...there are memories rushing around me and it feels kinder to sit with them and just remember...

wishes...

there's a lot on my mind still so I'm just going to post some pictures and mull over my thoughts...

I could really use a wish right now...

We're moving this weekend and I'm a mess. I would love nothing more than to snap my fingers and have this weekend be over and be comfortably settled into my new home. My head is hurting from so many thoughts and emotions rushing in and out. I would like to slip into oblivion right now. I keep floating between excitement about moving, feeling overwhelmed with all this shit that I keep boxing and boxing, wishing that I could sleep and yet, sleep keeps evading me, feeling alone and forgotten, struggling not to eat my stress...on and on...

I have felt a lot like this piggie lately...

I probably won't have internet for awhile so it'll prolly be quiet around here...
See y'all soon...

3 Years...

We knew each other for 8 years.
Pre-dated for 3 months.
Dated for 1 year.
Engaged for 6 months.
Married for 3 years.

There are so many stories and adventures to be told...

One thing is for certain I can't imagine life without him...



i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings


Now, Always, and Forever.