My Garden Moment... "Mal...where are you?"

My heart has been called to more by a woman I love dearly.

My heart was called out with words that were hard to receive, but said with such love that I could sit and hear them and still feel...

I guess I never thought about how my silence impacts people....and what it's costing me now. I've been able to excuse my checking-out to this or that. But now...now there isn't an excuse. Just the reality that it's not that I can't risk and speak, but that I won't risk and speak. Ugh. That feels so gross that I won't. It's so disappointing that I risk my dreams all because I won't trust that I am good enough...that my words have impact....no! that I have impact. I want more, but refuse to listen to what God says about me. I let the people in my story and my shame-based identity define me. I am constantly in a push-pull struggle with who I am. Knowing in my head what He says and keeping it buried away from my heart. It is so easy for me to change the things that won't leave any room for expectations of me. It's so easy for me to not run into my literal closet when I want to hide now....but it's just as easy for me to run into the closet I've built within myself. If I'm hiding you can't see me...you can't expect anything from me... But it's true...the truth is out! I can sit in a group of women and have impact. I can do it. I have people who believe in me. I have people who are cheering me on. So get out of that damn closet self!! Stop bs'ing and running around childishly within yourself! I can do it. Will I? Yes. Because now I see what I stand to lose...what people around me stand to lose when I won't be the woman God has called me to be.

Where are you Mal? I'm here...willing to risk a bloody face.

What are you doing Mal? I'm refusing to settle in my dirt...I'm standing up...I'm coming out...

Come on little girl....let's "grow up" together and have more of what our heart longs for. I am a woman of impact. No more trying to believe it....Let's just believe it and know it to be true.

Work Conversations!

Two conversations I had with two small little people today at work. Just had to share. :-D

Conversation #1:

Little Girl: I want to watch a movie...
Me: So do I! What would you watch if you could?
LG: Cars!!
Me: Oh...well...I think I'd want to watch the Little Mermaid.
LG: I have that movie! It's scary. How bout Elmo?
Me: No...Elmo scares me.
LG: No he doesn't. He's funny.
Me: Yes, he does scare me. He tries to tickle me in my sleep and pinch me. That's scary.
LG: You're funny.
Me: Heeey....Do you know what clouds are made of?
LG: Nope.
Me: Cotton Candy! And did you know if you get real close to a cloud you can reach out and grab it and eat some!
LG: Hehehe...I like cotton candy.
Me: But you have to be careful because in the cotton candy clouds there lives baby angels.
LG: Baby Angels?
Me: Yep. Baby angels live in the cotton candy clouds. Remember that!

Conversation #2:

(Little boy is almost crying, but not quite)
Me: You know...This hurts me to say this, but right now I can't hold your tears. I love you and I see your tears, but I'm not in a place where I can hold them.
LB: *sniffles*
Me: Yeah, I know. It hurts. Maybe we should just sit in this disappointment together. Is that okay?
LB: *sniffles*
Me: Okay...come here and we'll just sit.

:-) Haha....Happy Valentines Day!

Now.Always.Forever.

My Husband.

He is my Knight in Shining Armor.
He is my Hero.
He is the face I see every morning and the body I snuggle up to every night.
He is the one who tries to redeem my inability to lose nicely at games.
He is the one who chases the "monsters" from my dreams.
He is the one who brings me water and a blanket any time I ask for it.
He is the one who provides with great strength and integrity.
He is the one who blows me kisses.
He is the one who wipes my tears away, laughs at my quirkiness, and plays hide and go seek with me in our small apartment.
He is the one whose arms are filled with safety and love.
He is the one whose hands are always reaching for mine.
He is the one who cuddles me on the couch.
He is the one who calls me angel.
He is the one who loves to just sit and talk.
He is the one who invites me to dream more, and more.
He is the one who chases after me with a mouthful of water after I've just dumped a glass on him.
He is the one who loves every dish I make.
He is the one and only person I allow to cook with me.
He is the one who brings me flowers.
He is the one who bought me two mice, then a hamster, and then a cat, and another cat and when that cat died, he went a got me another kitty.
He is the one who I know will never leave me.
He is the one who texts me sexy things all day.
He is the one who can argue with me and meet me in all my hugeness and still at the end of the day be there to love me.
He is the one who plays with me even when it's almost two in the morning and he has to get up early the next day.
He is the one who cheers me on as I find more of who I am.
He is the first one who ever held my story.
He is the one who made our first kiss memorable....and still sends shivers down my spine when his lips meet mine. :-)
He is the one who does the hated job of cleaning out the cat litter.
He is the one who is willing to wake up early in the morning on a weekend to go used book sales with me.
He is the one who takes me on dates and always kisses me goodnight.
He is the one who remembers to put the seat down and that the toilet paper goes over...not under.
He is the one who takes my breath away.
He is the one who nurses me back to health when I'm sick.
He is the one who throws his head back and laughs with all his heart.
He is the one who prays with me every morning before he goes to work.
He is the one who loves me.
He is the one I love so very much.
He is my husband. He is the one.
Now. Always. Forever.

For Example:

So remember one of my Random Thoughts was about how I umm....exaggerate to little children?? Well here is an example:

This past Sunday (at work) a little girl (about 4 years old) came up to me and wanted me to "eat" a plastic carrot. For some reason the kids think it's hilarious when an adult pretends to eat the plastic food...lol...Anywho, this is what happened:

Me: Oh sorry sweetie, but I can't eat that. It's my enemy.
LG: Enemy? What's that?
Me: Umm....well......an enemy is....your nemesis!
LG: Nemeis? What's that?
Me: Well...most people don't know it, but your nemesis is The Joker.
LG: The Joker? hehehe
Me: Yep! So remember your enemy is your nemesis and your nemesis is The Joker. Repeat it with me. Okay...go play now.

Hahahahaha..... It's sooo much fun!! :-D

Random Thoughts....

I'm sitting here thinking about what to post and I'm not really sure. There are a lot of thoughts floating around... Maybe this will just be a "hey, it's random time" post... :-)

Random Thought #1: I need a job. I want the comic book store job so bad and I'm feeling quite desperate. I told N yesterday that I'm feeling so desperate that I wanted to go over to the store and refuse to leave until they gave me a job. Somehow I don't think they'd appreciate some psycho-geeky girl holding herself hostage with the the comic books. "Give me this job...and...and...the comic books won't be hurt!!!" Hahaha...

Random Thought #2: I haven't read all the blogs I've wanted to read today.

Random Thought #3: I'm starting to love Fridays!! Many thanks to Anna and Jenn for that!!! :-)

Random Thought #4: I have words!! I have good words to give and I'm slowly starting to believe it when I say it...and when I hear that. A part of me wants to delete this random thought, but no! I'm not going to. It feels shameful to say my words are good and it feels easier to just wipe it away, but I think by keeping it and sitting in it this might just be my "curtain" moment.

Random Thought #5: Cat paws hurt like a mother. I love my cats so very much! But wow!!! When they walk on me it freakin hurts. Maybe I feed them too much. And this RT was brought to you by my cat Thalia. She decided to check out what I was doing and the only way to do that was by putting all her front paw weight on my arm.

Random Thought #6: I'm thinking of doing a little word search on the word prayer. I think a blog post should come out of that too... I have alot of thoughts on prayer... Most I've just kept hidden to myself because of people thinking I may not be "Christian enough".

Random Thought #7: I really, really hate the phrase "not Christian enough" and how churchy people make you feel like that just because you don't think like their own narrow little robotic minds. *sigh* I will not let myself rant about this right now....lol...

Random Thought #8: I loved Celebrity look-a-like week on Facebook! It was rather fun! :-) Apparently I look a bit like Salma Hayek. I feel rather flattered people would think I looked like her. I did this face recognition thing on my compy and it told me that I looked like Michelle Yeoh. I took it as a compliment (cuz I love her) and a sign that I will get my Chinese baby someday. Heheh... :-D

Random Thought #9: I need to comment more on people's blogs....

Random Thought #10: I wish more people commented on mine....lol...

Random Thought #11: I love cuddling with my husband and I love how he cuddles so well with me. <3 style="font-style: italic;">Random Thought #12: I am pretty darn sure the Zombie Apocalypse is going to happen. Oh and yes, I think aliens are real. And both scare the ever living crap out of me. I'm also afraid of ghosts, spirits, mummies, creepy children, evil dolls, clowns, people dressed in full body costumes (like at Disney World), the dark, serial killers, snakes, airplanes, snakes on airplanes, roller coasters, lightning, Samuel l. Jackson, monsters, basements, attics, haunted houses, the supernatural, 18-wheelers, popping corks, fire, heights, and bunnies.

Random Thought #13: I love when children ask me what something is or what it means and I give them silly answers. It's quite fun. It's never lying...just exaggerating the truth...a lot. ;-P

Random Thought #14: I'm wondering if anyone actually reads my blog...and what they are thinking about my weird random thoughts right now....haha

Random Thought #15: I don't like talking on the phone. I love texting...facebooking...and emailing....but never talking on the phone. It's very awkward for me.

Random Thought #16: I wish that when people ask for my words or advice that they just take it and not fight it. I'm not the type of person who is going to tell you what you want to hear. If it happens to be that well goody for you...if not...please realize that your silence or rejection of those words impacts my heart more than you realize.

Random Thought #17: I love it when I find people who I click so well with... It feels good and it is so rare.

Random Thought #18: Shower time is when I get a lot of my processing done. The steams helps clear away the cobwebs in my mind and when you are in the shower you can't hide behind anything. Your naked and your mind is naked and thoughts/feelings can just flow like the water...

Random Thought #19: I hope nobody ran away scared cuz of that last thought....hahahahaha...

Random Thought #20: .................I'm done. :-)