I Remember....

Floating on the water and letting the other drag us around in circles in the pool.

Sitting half-way in the pool and eating Mint Oreos. 

Laughter. Lots of laughter. Laughter that erupted from our core. 

Walking in the woods and swinging on an old tire. 

Trying to scare each other at night. Oh the screaming that occurred! 

Whispering.

Competing at who could play the piano better.

Listening to Josh Groban. Pretty sure we were head over heals in love with him. 

The day she gave me our "Best Friend" ring as a Christmas gift. It carefully sits on my jewelry box.

 Her following me to my room and laughing at how Nate "couldn't keep his eyes off me" months before he and I started dating. 

Cutting out and playing with our paper dolls. 

Being sprawled out on the floor tracing pictures of the classic actors/actresses. 

Envying her ability to speak her mind so bravely. 

Feeling shame whenever she bluntly stated how small I was allowed to live. It was truth. But in light of how big she lived and how I didn't there was shame that would cause tears whenever I was in private. 

Sitting at a bakery and eating pastries. 

The disappointment I shut down when she wasn't present at my dress-fittings or showers. 

Acting like a "party-girl" in our relationship as we got older. Pushing and pulling. Running away before I could get hurt. Never acknowledging all the loss that occurred. 

How the gap kept widening and we didn't try to fight for what we had. 

The night I graduated from high school. What a fun night. Wearing tiaras and fairy wands. Dancing and laughing. Twirling around in our dresses. 

Debating who was better: Cary Grant or Clark Gable? Humphrey Bogart or Fred Astaire?

How protective she would get for me. 

Talking for hours and hours. 

Playing and being mischievous. 

Wrapping my arms around her so tightly. We hugged so often and so fiercely. It's surprising and shocking to realize that I have never hugged any friend so dearly and freely since those years. And ever since my physical contact with friends has been as minimal as possible. 

Being so angry. Not realizing that I just felt lonely and abandoned. 

Our code names were "Lucy and Ethel"

 Talking on the phone like there was no tomorrow.

The love we had for each other.

Seeing her in the hospital for the first time. It was scary and confusing. 

It was always just the two of us. We were the mis-fits in our other circles, but together we were inseparable and perfect. 

Growing up. Becoming very different people. 

Walking arm in arm through Boerne Main Street.

Sharing a love for imagination and for literature. 

Skipping around like idiots. 

Crying all day when I found out she died. 

All the regret. All the processing that took place...too late. So many unanswered questions. Words that will never be spoken face-to-face. 

I wish I could give her my face, my laughter, my tears, my words, and my love, but it's too late. 

We were too stubborn. Too scared. Too stupid. 

The good times are held dearly in my heart. 

The bad times still hurt. 

It will be one year in May. 

I still love her. Heart and Soul. 

Beautiful People and Best Moments

"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."

-Amy Pond (Doctor Who)

There are few people in my life who fit this description, but as I let those words roll around in my mind their faces burn brightly. I wonder who in your life has "turned into something so beautiful"? It's a pretty awesome experience and since it's rather rare for me, the experience is noticed and treasured even more.   


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I've always been horrible at keep journals. I start them and then eventually I stop. I started a private blog online for all my journalling needs and that lasted awhile...but, it has been three years since I've written in it. Wow. But I have started a new one and hopefully I'll keep up with that. I have been doing something rather different in a beautiful journal N gave me a couple years back. It's one of those gorgeous Italian old world journals. I've written non journally things in it. Stuff like a letter to my future son (hopefully there will be a son in my future so he can read it), a scene from my story, etc. But lately I've been writing in it every night. Not pages or paragraphs. Just a sentence or two. 


When I was on Pinterest a month ago, I saw there was a journal that was for you to record your "best" moment of the day. It stuck with me. I kept thinking about it and finally decided that I wanted to do that. I started a new page and titled it "Mal's Year of Moments". And for about a month I've faithful in writing down what I considered the "best" moment of the day. Some days it's really easy. And on the bad days...well...it's really hard to find something beautiful in the midst of the chaos. And for that very reason I have been determined to do this for a whole year. 


It's so easy to remember the good days. And it's so easy for me to slap a "bad" or "shitty" label on a day and throw it away discouraged and angry. But when you have to sit down and find a "best" moment from a chaotic or crap day it becomes a treasure hunt. Sometimes I've just wanted to give up and write "bad day...no good moment.", but I haven't and I'm glad. Whenever I sit there and quiet myself and slowly rewind through the day I am amazed at what I can find. "Best" moments don't always look like crazy happy or jumping up and down moments. Most of the time a "best" moment for me is a moment that is easily forgotten because it's quiet and thoughtful...or me just soaking in something beautiful. Sometimes a "best" moment in a bad day looks like me realizing that amidst the bad I was able to be kind to myself and I didn't think twice about it. 


Doing the Year of Moments Journal has felt kind to myself. And it's given me a different perspective at the end of each day. It's weird that I seem to find out more about myself when I give myself a "challenge" of sorts and I am wiling to stay dedicated to that challenge. 

A Question...

I was talking to a girl before one of my classes started and she asked why I had a band-aid on my toe. I laughed and told her about my toe accident and that because I wanted to wear sandals today I didn't want my half dead nail to be staring at people. We laughed about it and then she asked how long I had been married. I told her it would be 5 years in June (where has the time gone btw!). Of course that was proceeded with how old I was (25) and then a "wow! you got married young".

I guess I did. Everyone says that so I suppose it's true lol. But then I tell them that we knew each other for 8years before we started dating and that leads into me telling a short "our story" tale. I add that while I was young I was ready. Haha...very ready! I wasn't scared or nervous about enmeshing my life with this man. I was excited.

Then she looked at me and asked "Do you believe in true love?". I was kinda surprised by this question. Not in a "oh my gosh why would she ask that" type of way. I was surprised because in the time I've been married I've never been asked that question. I'm not even sure that before I got married anyone asked me that question.

I scanned her face to see if she was mocking me or something, but instead I was met with a curious and longing face. "Yes. Yes, I do.", I answered softly.  She went on to tell me that she found it hard to because she had been burned so many times and now she was in another relationship and didn't know where it would lead.  She asked how we made it work and I answered honestly. We make it work because we work at it. We don't have a perfect relationship. While we always love each other there are times when we don't like each other. But we have learned to communicate. We've learned to listen to not only what is being said, but what is not being said. We have had arguments, we have misunderstood each other. We have cried with each other. We have held the other and walked through the different "rooms" of our stories. We laugh a lot. We get each others quirkiness and uniqueness. We constantly are learning each other. We are best friends. We are lovers.

We didn't just get married and everything was perfect. Not at all. We had to learn all of this. We are still learning. Mistakes have been essential to experience. And almost five years later this man makes my heart jump and flutter with a deep passionate love. Yes, I do believe in true love.

It makes me sad when I'm met with question I can't answer about being single and finding "the one". I don't know what it's like for them. I know what it's like to be single until 20. I don't know what it's like to be single past that. I don't know what it's like to be in your 20's or older and not having your person. I can offer advice. Encouragement. I've learned a lot about a guy's mind from my husband and the guy friends I have. I can offer that, but my help can only go so far. And then I feel helpless. I wish I could offer more.

I believe in true love. I guess that's why I love Disney so much. True love exists. Someday your prince will come. No matter how your heart is grieving if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true.  It may not involve poisonous apples, lost glass slippers, enchanted castles, spindles, frogs, evil queens, life under the sea, or flying carpets. But who knows, maybe you're story will have some of that.

I do know what it feels like to think that you won't find your one. I know how much it hurts. How deep the ache runs. I know how lonely it is. I know that it's easier to settle for something less to fill the aching hole. It's easier to convince your self that it's worth it because if not then you'll be lonely and pathetic... even though you still feel all the more lonely and pathetic.

But I know the beauty of realizing there is someone who wants to put the glass slipper on your foot. The one who will fight through thorns and dragons. The one who will offer you true love's kiss. The one who wants to travel through the stars with you. The one who will offer your heart so much more than you could ever imagine.

And if I could go back in time, I would tell myself... "It's okay to cry kid. I know you feel like you won't get your prince. But I promise you, he is coming. And he'll sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. "

Yes, I believe in true love. Yes, I do.

Random Thoughts

1. I miss my best friend very, very much. Every time I walk into the mall or into a starbies or a comic book store or finish Skyping with her I feel that sadness tugging on my heart which reminds me that her presence is noticed and missed... a lot.

2. Driving is becoming more natural to me and I have all these fun little "driving" stories to talk about lol. And I don't like that people don't like me driving at the speed limit. It says limit for a reason right?! Safety baby...that's what it's about!

3. I ponder a lot in my heart. And because of that it's time to start journaling again.

4. I've started watching the sweetest little boy in the world. He makes me smile and laugh each Wednesday I'm with him.

5. I love blogging on my MacBook. It feels amazing! Hence the blog posts.

6. I'm glad I'm blogging again....

7.  Listening to classical music while blogging is divine. And makes me wish I could actually play the pieces that dip my heart in a warm bubble bath.

8. I am drawing a little comic strip about two little zombies. It's kinda cute and funny! But I haven't really shown anyone because I am not an artist and I think that they will think it's stupid.

9. It's a new year which means at some point I will re-read all my Harry Potter books like I have done for the past three years. And when A comes back I will finally have someone to watch the movies with!

10. I haven't eaten a single gummie bear in 2 months. My palette has been demanding dark chocolate. I have a bag stashed in my night stand drawer. And one down stairs. If you ever happen to be in my house and eat one... Well... I will punish you. Two things you should never touch: my Peanut Butter and my Chocolate. I have sharing issues.

11. Recently I've been leaving my ipod on shuffle and it has been very pleasing! Usually I just trust my playlists to make me happy because I'm looking for very specific mood music. I don't know about you, but the majority of my playlists are based on songs that compliment a mood I might be in. If I just let my pod wander around in my music collection the results can be weird. It'll go from Dashboard Confessionals to Korn. Not a good mix. Or DMX to Katy Perry. Hahaha! But lately when I get in the car I forget to choose a playlist and just turn on my pod and it's been pretty awesome. Each song flows right into the next with perfection. Good job iPod. Yeah, it deserves a "That'll do Pig.".

12. I have officially found my theme song. It feels so Mal. Hahaha. Sometimes I break out singing this and always end it with "Mal" instead of "Jess".  :-) I'm a dork.  New Girl Theme Song 

Feeling Vibrant

I've been doing a little shopping with some money we got from our tax refund and I noticed a trend this year.

 I've been very into black for a long time. Back when I was teaching piano, I wore a lot of black and white and reds. Basic colors that were easy to combine. After I stopped teaching I switched to wearing a lot of t-shirts. Then the last two years I have very slowly branched out to some color. It felt hard at first. I know that sounds very silly, but it felt weird and uncomfortable. Last year I got more comfortable with it and have been trying to stay away from the safety of my basic black-only look. This year has definitely marked a change. And it all started with a pair of yellow heels.

I went into the mall before Valentine's Day looking for a cute top to wear. I wasn't having much luck. And then in the sale area I saw a pair of bright yellow heels. At first I wasn't even going to bother to see what size they were in. Bright yellow heels? Seriously. That did not sound like me. And the moment I thought that I said "Why doesn't that sound like me?! I am a fun, spunky girl! Why shouldn't I have bright yellow heels?" So I checked them out and they were a 1/2 a size too small (a 6 instead of a 6 1/2), but I didn't care and they still fit me.

Very proud and excited over my find, I realized that now I needed something to wear with my new heels.  I found a dress. Now I rarely wear dresses because I never feel like a have an occasion to wear them to, but I thought of one that might happen and decided either way it looked great with the heels and I needed this pretty dress. And yeah, I even twirled around in the dressing room with it on. Haha!

Then slowly this month I have picked up some other tops and and nail polish. All very colorful! When I was showing N, my new finds from yesterdays short shopping trip he said "Wow! All these tops are very vibrant!". I couldn't help, but smile and say "I guess I'm just feeling very vibrant lately.". And I am. Things feel very different for me this year and with all this change it has left me feeling vibrant and my clothing choices are showing that!

Vibrant.
Pulsing or throbbing with energy or activity
Vigorous, lively, and vital
Relatively high on the scale of brightness




It feels really weird that I would use that word for how I am feeling lately. There are days when I don't feel vibrant. I feel dull or ordinary. But for the most part I am feeling vibrant and it feels really awesome.  

There is no denying it.  Vibrant. Bright heels and all. :-) 

What to write about...?

I've been trying to think about a blog post lately... I sat down last week and started writing one out, but my thoughts weren't flowing onto the computer correctly. I knew in my head what I wanted to say, but once my fingers started to type them out it came out jumbled lol. I still want to write that post...maybe I will later. :-)

Anywho, what to write...

How about tattoos? Okay! haha

I have had the major ink itch this year. I didn't get any new tattoos last year and now I'm going through withdrawals... like real bad. Haha! I have all these ideas floating around in my head and I have lots pinned on Pinterest. So far two are set in stone. Another two are getting in the process of being settled on. And I was joking around about one to Nate and he thought it would be freaking awesome so maybe that one will be added too. Hahah. Oh dear. I love tattoos.

They are the expression of my soul. Seriously.  They may mean absolutely nothing to the people in my life, but they mean a lot to me. Each one has a story associated with it. Most of the time I shorten the stories, leave more personal parts out, sometimes I just simplify it to the most basic form, and sometimes I tell the whole story.  Now when I say story... don't think that each one has an incredibly, emotional story. Nope. Some are simple stories. But a story that lets you know me a bit better if you want to take the time to listen closely.

If I had the money I would be covered in ink from neck to toe. I love when I see other people who have tattoos and those who are covered in them. I always want to ask the ones covered to tell me about their "ink journey", but I don't because I'm a shy person around strangers and it would be weird if a stranger asked another stranger that. Maybe not... maybe someday I'll be brave enough to!

I get upset when people judge others with tattoos. I once read a blog post that said that people with tattoos were "rebellious, edgy, and untrustworthy". I got angry at first and then had to laugh. How shallow and sad that someone is too afraid of what they don't understand... if you would just talk to us you would realize that we are perfectly normal people who love life passionately. We take small glimpses of our soul, the good and bad, and display it for the world to see. We risk rude stares, narrow minded comments, and misunderstanding all so we can have a constant reminder of who we are. Now I know that not everyone gets tattoos that mean something to them. I know a lot of people who ended up with stuff because they had a little too much to drink or they were young and "being stupid".  There are plenty of those tattoos regrets. Funny thing is that they still have a story associated with them. And I always enjoy hearing about those... It's still a chance to get to know people better!

I plan on having a bunch of ink on me. And as for the "what happens when you are an old wrinkly grandma?" Well...I'll be a hell of an awesome old wrinkly grandma with my grandkids. And it's not like I'm going to suddenly look like a bulldog when I'm old! Hahah! I will have tattoos when I'm an old lady and will love telling my grandkids about them when they ask "hey grandma, what's that one for?" and I'm going to love listening to their tattoo stories and um yeah, I will be the cool grandma going to get more! Hahaha I can just see myself doing that! ;-P

I think tattoos should be your personal choice. Now I'm all for saying yes when someone asks if they should get one, but I am a firm believer that you should get something that means something to you... something that you want to have on you for the rest of your life. And if you don't like tattoos well that's okay too! Just don't pass judgement on those of us who do.

Anywho, I am hoping this year will bring me some awesome ink. I was planning on going to get two done this week, but I'm going to wait till after Spring Break. Ocean water and sun probably aren't a good mix for a freshly done tattoo. I just like to play on the safe side.

And someday, I'm going to cross something off my bucket list. I'm going to LA and having Kat von D tattoo me. I already have the tattoo picked out. It will probably be expensive as heck, but it will be so worth it. I love that woman. All covered in her tattoos and in her punked out clothes, she seems to show how a tattooed woman can still be a strong, and feminine women. You can disagree with me lol, but that's why this is my personal opinion. I have read some stuff of hers and watched her show and she has such a sweet heart for really listening to people's stories while tattooing. It's pretty awesome to me. I can't wait to enter High Voltage one day and have her do the most awesomest tattoo on my back. And yeah, I'm so getting lots of pictures and hugging her and probably will get teary eyed from all the awesome happening. :-)

Kat von D

Until then I'll keep adding to my "story collection". And if you ever want to know the real stories behind my ink just ask me. I can't guarantee you'll be impressed hahah, but if you listen closely I can guarantee that you will know me a lot better.