Last Work Conversation...

Me: Do you know my name?
LG (little girl):
Me: Harley. Can you say Harley?? Har-ley.
LG:
Me: Do you know his name?
LG: Noooo....
Me: His name is...Batman!
LG: Yeah he is!
N: I am Batman!
LG: He's Batman! Batman!
Me: That's right! What's his name again??
LG: Batman!!
Me and Nate high-five.
the end.

The Post That Has No Name...

So I was supposed to catch up (again!) on the blogs I read, but I only made it through Jenn-Sational before my heart felt like it needed to sit and write. I don't want to write. I've been trying to avoid writing lately. I've been trying to stay dis-connected from my heart for the past week. That doesn't feel good to write that down. Last night at Grace Groups I realized how much my heart is holding stuff in and how much its hurting. I don't know where this post is going to go or what I'm going to say...I'm just going to start writing and see what happens...

So I gave my three weeks notice to my job about three weeks ago. It felt good. This Sunday is my last Sunday to work. After this Sunday, Nate and I will start going to CBC for their 1pm service (neither of us like waking up early lol). CBC has always felt like my church home and it's been years since I've attended. It feels very exciting to go "home" and I'm hoping that I'm not disappointed.
Anywho, I'm looking for a job. Not very hard though. Why not? Well...for one) I like being a Domestic Goddess and two) I'm sad. I hate admitting that I'm sad. I hate admitting that I'm disappointed. You see, back in that Fall I realized that there was this cool job that I really, really wanted. I haven't been much into prayer for awhile...but I decided that maybe I'll give it another go. I decided that I wanted this job so I was going to desire it and pray for it and hope for it... To make a medium story very short I didn't get the job. I pursued it hard and talked to the people I needed to talk to and was given hope to keep asking, but only to be sent a final email that said they were not hiring.
I know...it's a just a job. I know...there are other jobs. I know...they could be hiring later. I know. I don't want to hear it...I already know. I'm getting tired of stupid trite answers.

What makes this feel so hard for me is that I really wanted this job. For the first time I really wanted a job. A job that I knew I would rock at. A job I actually bothered to pray for. I'm disappointed. And sad. And angry. And feeling shame that I even bothered.
I don't want to feel any of that because it feels so silly and stupid, but I feel it. Even though I'm trying to numb it out.

I sat with my best friend this past Friday and told her that I know I need to dig in, but I won't. I'm afraid that if I dig into my heart and feel everything that I'm going to break down and drown. That night I was offered the chance to run around outside and just be fun and free and I said yes! That night it felt like my heart could shed all the crap it was holding and just run and laugh and be child-like again. My heart felt so connected and all I could do was throw my head back, laugh, and run.

My heart is tired. I'm tired.

I sat in group last night and looked at the picture of Jesus that the party-people create. Tears sprang to my eyes instantly. All the colors and chaos hit me in the face. I feel like that chaotic picture so often. I feel scribbled on and scrambled and multi-colored and just plain messy. It's so hard for me to see Jesus in all the scribbles. I just want to cry. I want to lay my head in His lap and have Him stroke my hair and just cry my heart out. I want to cry out all those hurt, angry, shame-filled, free tears. I want to see His tears. I want to hear His words. I want to feel Him.
But I don't feel Him. So I get off that lap and scream at Him for making me feel lonely and hurt. I scream at Him and try to run. I hold onto my dreams and tell Him "You aren't welcome here. You never cared before so just leave me to play and dream by myself. I'll make it on my own and if I don't oh well then it's just my fault. Go away." I plug my ears and run in circles...falling down over and over again... I just want to stop. I'm tired. My knees and arms are bloody. I want to crawl into His lap and let Him heal me and hold me.

I know that I do rest on that lap...not always...but I know I can feel the times I do. It's just those moments don't seem to last as long as I'd like them to. Sometimes I wish I could just chain myself to His lap...or put myself in a straight jacket chained to His throne. lol. Okay....that last one might be a bit weird. Why can't I just stay there...? Last year, A asked me "What is it about resting that feels so dangerous to you?" Maybe I need to start asking myself that question again. I just keep thinking that if I sit here, think, and feel then I'll drown....and then who will be there to hold me.