There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
It widens more everyday.
My heart aches from its core.
The ache brings tears.
Sometimes there are enough tears to drown a city of mice.
And other days my tears are as dry as a ghost town.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
Every crushed hope leaves a chasm of devastation in its wake.
My heart struggles to continue on this beaten path.
A scream catches in my throat.
The bees in my stomach sting harder.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Its getting harder to breathe.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
I'm tired of hearing nothing.
Or hearing a no.
Or whatever you call this.
I'm beat up.
I'm bruised.
I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm here.
I'm present.
I'm trying.
I'm numb.
I'm pretending to see light in darkness.

There is a huge gaping hole in my heart.
Why does everything hurt.

I came up with a list of possible titles if I were ever to write a book or more specifically an autobiography:

Never Trust a Skinny Baker

The View From a Short Girl in High Heels

Cupcakes, Boobies, and Other Fun Things

Memoirs of a Book Whore

Dear God, Am I Related to Santa Claus? 

From Closet Nerd to Preppy Geek

Cupcake Drunk 

Save a Bookcase, Buy a Book

Awkward Turtles, Little Cows

Dear God, Are You Sure I'm Not An Elf? 

Let Me Slap the Stupid Off Your Face

Yes. I Am Laughing At You. 

Please Get Out of the Bathroom. I Have to Pee. 

More Ramblings...

I felt like it was time to start blogging again. Writing a new story in this safe place felt right and keeping the same name was perfect for me. I feel like no matter how much I might change I will always be a Confused Muse and I will always ramble. I get a funny little picture in my head when I say my blog name and it makes me smile. So the name stays. 

I haven't kept a blog lately because I just haven't had the time to write. Another reason is that I'm afraid of being really honest in my blog and people might find it, read it, know my business or think that it's about them. I'm at the point now that I'm going to just say "Screw it.".  If no one finds this blog then great. If some one does, fine. If you read it to be nosy, oh well. If you get mad, too bad. If you get offended by my language, I'm sorry.  

I'm tired of hiding my words. 

Move over bitches. 

The Confused Muse is back.