I'm sitting in my living room thinking about all the change that has occurred in my life this year and the change that will continue to happen.
I have finished my first semester back at college and I am registered for my next semester...and...if everything works out I'll graduate Spring 2013. Three semester left. Well...for my associates, but for me that's pretty awesome. And pretty exciting.
See...That's an example of good change. Change I welcome and embrace. And there's still more good change that I'm looking forward to. And some scary, but good change that could happen in a year or two. Change that feels redemptive and new and exciting. There are so many new things N and I are pursuing and hoping for together. The journey of good change feels like a good cup of hot chocolate...it warms my soul and soaks my heart in a delightful bubble bath.
But there's change that doesn't feel so good. Change that leaves me curious and nervous. Change that leaves holes in my life. Change that leaves me sad and pondering things quietly in my heart. Change that leaves me with unspoken words of hurt and anger. Change that I don't want to talk about because instead of just saying what's on my heart I chose words carefully and cheat myself and those involved out of seeing my tears, my anger, and my thoughts.
Careful. That's my word for myself this past months. I have become careful. Careful to not rock the boat. Careful to not be too much for those around me. Careful to not ask for anything. Careful to contain my "negative" emotions. Careful to not give my opinion because it's not really wanted. Careful to not become hyper-vigilant, but realizing that it's a losing battle in some situations. Careful to just talk about the great and happy things around me. Careful to not expect anything so I won't be surprised (it's stupid to say I won't be disappointed...I will...but at least I won't be surprised.)
Auuuuugh.
This was supposed to be a happier, lighter, I-think-I-need-to-blog-again post... Apparently out of the fingertips the heart floweth. ;-)
What happened to the days of a good cry over coffee in Starbucks?
