Um. Wow. Part 2

Remember my Um. Wow. post? I didn't want to write anything about it until I knew for sure that it was going to happen. And it did this weekend.

Like I've mentioned before in a previous post piano has been a part of my story. It's a long story I really don't get into because it feels like a lot. But the catch up version is I liked playing the piano as a hobby, but that wasn't a option for my parents. It was piano lessons and piano dreams and piano careers etc that they wanted for me. It was exhausting and hard because no one would ever listen to me...No one wanted to hear what I wanted. I took piano for 12 years, went to college for three years as a Music Major, and taught piano for six years. Finally in 2008, I put an end to it. I stood up for me. I needed to detox, I needed to find me, and as long as I was living someone else's dream that would never happen.

In 2008, I didn't enroll again at college. In 2008, I told my boss that at the end of the semester I would no longer be teaching piano. In 2008, I packed up all my music, turned off the light in my studio room, and closed the door for good. In 2008, I made a commitment that I wouldn't touch the piano again until I wanted to. In 2008, I told Evil enough...enough of whispering lies into my ears each time I touched those keys...enough of me drowning in contempt and shame...Enough...No more. For years, I had been forced to do something I didn't want to do. And finally I realized that Mal deserved something better. I deserved to voice my opinion and make it heard. So I walked away.

And I was happy. It felt so good to be away from piano. I knew I did the right thing.

Then exactly one year later I sat down at my old piano and played a bit. It felt good...I enjoyed playing whatever was still lodged in my little brain. But just as easy as it was to sit and play, it was just as easy to get up and walk away again. Yeah, it did feel good. And yeah, I realized that I still enjoyed playing. But I wasn't ready yet. It felt like a taste of hope. A taste of what it would be like to someday just sit and play for fun without any expectations. I got up, smiled and remembered the good things about me playing and knew that someday...maybe someday I'd come back, but today wasn't that day.

2010 came and went with me still remembering, processing, and being content in not playing. And then 2011 arrived. With Nate's new job he's always getting these little gift cards for just being awesome (okay it's not really for that...more like being good at referrals, but I like my reason better!) and he had two for Best Buy. So in January we went to see what he could get there. We looked and looked and finally we decided on a movie (I know...so impressive haha).

But that's not even the point... While we were meandering I saw they had digital keyboards. I walked over to one, noticed it wasn't working (which was good to me...It's a big pet peeve for me when people disturb the shopping peace by making noise on instruments or toys or singing cards...) and did a few scales. I can't even describe what happened inside of me. It was just like this warm feeling washed over me... Kinda like in LOTR when Aragorn gives the King Theoden of Rohan his sword so that he can wake from the stupor he's been in because of Wormtongue.

Something just came alive. I wanted to play again. I wanted a piano again. I was ready to start over just for me. So God and I had a talk where I let Him know what He already knew. I was ready to play again, but wondered how I could. We don't have the money to just drop on a keyboard. I needed a full key, hammer weighted with pedals and sounds like a grand freakin piano, keyboard. That costs a lot of money. So an idea popped into my head. What if I asked my parents to sell my old piano and take that money to help towards a new one that would actually fit in our place. It felt very risky, but I stepped out and did it.

I called my dad the next night and the next day my mom was calling me. I usually don't answer the phone when I'm getting ready (trying to put makeup on and shouting "what? I can't hear you...talk louder!" into the speaker isn't exactly fun), but this time I did. I could feel my anger rising when I realized there had been a miscommunication. Usually when I get angry I spout off with some retort. This time I didn't. I just listened. Hah. Good thing because little did I know how that miscommuncation would benefit me. So because of what my mom thought was going on she had called a family friend to get info on these keyboards. And then God showed up like freaking Gandalf at Helm's Deep (hmm..I'm really in a LOTR mood lol). The family friend informed my mom that he would gladly give one of his digital keyboard to me as a gift. Um. Wow.

Did I believe her at first? Oh no. I mean how could God be that good to me? What just happened wasn't possible in real life. Things like that don't happen...least of all to me. But it did.

After I finished talking with my mom I sat there dumbfounded. God you know all the pain in that part of my story. When I tell it it's a quick, sometimes unfeeling, sometimes contemptuous way of telling it. The truth is there were so many little lies Evil was successful in drilling into my brain with each stroke of those keys. There is a lot of pain...and hurt... And that's not something I like sharing and being vulnerable about with people. What makes the tears fill up in my eyes is God knew how many tears were shed, books were thrown across the room, hurtful words people hurled at me like "you're handicapped because your hands are too small", back spasms I had from playing for hours at a time, dreams that were smothered from something I didn't want to do.
He knew I needed a break. He knew I needed to walk away and let it burn up so a couple years later I could scoop out a precious piece that was hidden in all the crappy ashes.
In a matter of a week I went from content in not playing to hungry about playing just for me to God giving me a gift that showed me He cared beyond words. He cared. He cared...

I've always struggled if God even cares about certain parts of my story. That week I experienced the truth in this area of my story. He really, truly cares...

I finally got my piano this week. It's so awesome. I pulled out all my books and have played through some of them. It's amazing to think that I still remember so much after all this time. I had to sit at that piano and just thank Him. I won't be playing for people...I won't be teaching again...I won't do anything I don't want to do... I'll just be playing in the quietness of my upstairs. It's finally a hobby. It's finally what I always wanted it to be. I think it's finally what He always wanted it to be for me... My heart is full and tender from His love and care.

Yes, Mal. You are passionately loved by the God of the Universe.

Um. Wow.

Delilah - Misunderstood

The woman who was Samson's downfall. The temptress. Sly and cunning. A bad girl.

The meaning of her name varied with each site I looked at. One said it was "The One Who Weakened" another said "Delicate" and still another said "Languishing, Lovelorn, Seductive". Christian families don't even name their girls Delilah because it tends to make most think of the word: "whore" or "deceiver".

She's always intrigued me. She steps into Samson's history in Judges 16 and then leaves as quickly as her name appears.

Many people have said she was a prostitute. I won't profess to know exactly what she did, because the Bible doesn't say. There is mention of a prostitute earlier in chapter, but that was a different woman, in a different city. She isn't even named. She was just a woman Samson slept with...nothing more...nothing less.
Then Delilah enters the story. She is named. The only woman in Samson's history that was named. Not even his own mother was named. Not even his first wife. I think that's why she is so remembered. There is power is saying someone's name. I think that's why she sticks out like a sore thumb here...she has a name...it makes her very human...and very real.

Delilah. Maybe she was a widow. Oblivious she wasn't married since Samson was with her. Maybe she was a courtesan. Who knows. All we know is that she is a woman named Delilah and that Samson was in love with her. I like how it says that he was in love with her...it never says that she was in love with him. Maybe she liked him. Maybe she just put up with him. I can't imagine he smelled very good. Either way it doesn't make mention of her feelings toward him. If she was a prostitute I can't imagine that she would be head over heals about him...I mean come on people this isn't a scene from Pretty Woman.

Well of course the Philistines would hear about where he was and so they came running to D. They told her to "entice" (another version says "lure") Samson so that he would tell her where his strength came from. Ah. So this is where people come in and say "See! She was a prostitute! It was all her fault! She used her womanly charm to cause the fall of this man!" A man who I might add is quite a douche bag. I mean really...just read his story. Who in the world would ever want to be this pouty, revengeful man even if he had great strength?! Anywho...

So the story goes on to say that she lured him...and seduced him...and spoke softly...and batted her long eyelashes... Hahaha. No. Oh no. Go look. What does she do? It says she directly asked him "Please tell me where your great strength lies, and with what you may be bound to afflict you." Oh yes. That was very seductive. I mean how obvious can you get? She goes up and says "Hey dude. I know you're strong and think you're better than a happy meal, but come on... How are you so strong and what can you be tied up with. Wha?! Hey...get your mind out of the gutter. I need to know what's gonna hurt you."

I don't know about you, but when I'm trying to be all sexy and wily I don't ask a very direct question to my husband... You tip toe and dance and sashay your way through it so you don't get caught in your "lure". She doesn't even bother. D just sets it out on the table for Samson. So he gives her an answer. An incorrect one at that. I can't imagine when she did what he said and then yells out "Omg! The Po-Po are here for you!" that she was thrilled that he lied to her. I can imagine he probably laughed at her...and she was upset. So what does she do? She tried again and again. Three times she asks, and three times he makes a joke out of it.

D probably was seeing the money that would free her from whatever life she was living, slowly slipping away. She probably wanted to be a free woman. The leaders EACH promised her money. Not just one leader, but all of them. That would be a lot of money. A lot of freedom. She might have a chance at something...whatever she wanted. We like to get our panties in a knot and say "Oh we would never sell out a man for money." But that era was different from this. If she didn't love him, if it was just a job, and this man was her country's enemy why in the world would she not do it? I'm sorry...maybe I'm just ready it wrong, but why does that make her a "treacherous woman"??

So finally after:

"she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death, that he told her all his heart"
"such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. So he told her everything."

"day after day she nagged him until he couldn't stand it any longer. Finally, Samson told her his secret."

Wow. All she did was nag the crap out of him! Nag...nag...nag. No luring...no seducing... Pestering got her the answer. This actually is very reminiscent of what happened to Samson during his wedding festivities. His wife nagged him about the riddle and he gave her the answer and then killed a bunch of people to get back at them. Hmm. Wow. Prophetic much?

Now I'm not saying this makes Delilah all fine and good. No one likes a nagging woman. I don't even like when I'm nagging. Ew. But I'm surprised at the slamming she's received about something that she didn't do. She was doing a job...not a good job...but it was her job. And Samson caved. I don't think a seductive woman was his downfall...it was a nagging woman. But actually...let's put the blame where it belongs. He made a choice and he told her. He ultimately was his own downfall.

I'm curious about why the writer of Judges doesn't talk about her emotions during this time. I think that's lent to people making her out to be a cold-hearted bitch. I'm curious about her thoughts during this time. What was she feeling? Pressured? Indifferent? Lonely? Cruel? Angry? Sad? Used? I wish I could ask her...

But I think at the end "tender" would be her word. She knew right away that what he told her was the truth. Was it the way he told her? Did it get quiet in the room? She had him fall asleep on her lap. That reminds me of a mother soothing her child to sleep...stroking the child's hair...singing a lullaby... It's a tender position. Each time Delilah tried to figure out what was his secret was she carried out the act herself. But this time...while his head was in her lap she had someone else cut his hair. I wonder if she felt sympathy for him. Giving him some last minute comfort before his demise. I wonder if she thought the Philistines would just kill him quickly. Take no chances. They hated him beyond anything else why wouldn't they just get it over and done with. I wonder what she thought when they tortured him. Did she care? Or had she left her home for something greater and better for herself?

Samson doesn't even blame her. He says nothing about "Curse that evil woman!" "Damn she tricked me!" "It's all her fault!". Delilah betrayed him, but he doesn't utter a single word against her. Maybe he knew the whole time how it would play out. Maybe he knew she didn't love him and she needed to look out for herself first. I don't know what he thought, but I'm curious.

Why do people point their fingers at this woman and "tsk tsk" at her. They call her a deceiver. A slut. So smart and cunning...what a snake. But reading this story again I can't call her a bad girl. I am left feeling extremely curious about her. I feel for her. This was a messy and chaotic story. A story she was named in. Oh yes, she told his secret to his enemies. Yeah, he should feel betrayed. She did something that doesn't exactly fall into a black/white category. Man, there is so much more surrounding this story than is written.

Delilah. Not a bad girl. Not a good girl. Just a woman with a story.

I don't profess to be a Bible scholar or to have a Theology major. But I am a woman and I read the Bible. I read...I research...I interpret. I've been thinking a lot of the woman of the Bible lately. I've been thinking about how easily we slap "good girl" or "bad girl" on these woman. Lately I've been feeling insulted about that. We hear these stories in church or we read them in passing and nod our heads and say "yep. she was a {fill in the blank} girl." and then we walk away. But how would we feel if someone did that to us? I hate being labeled. I dare say if these woman were still alive they would share my contempt of these labels too. They all have stories. They are shrouded in mystery. Their stories are just as messy and valuable like ours. Their stories were important enough to have a place in the Bible.

I've decided to dig a little deeper with these woman. I want to know them better. Hear their stories and throw off their labels that have been so lightly given. I don't know how many women I'll write about here. I'll try to write as much as possible, but I hope even if I write just a couple of thoughts about these women that you might be inspired to look at them yourself...

Valentine's Day!

This Valentine's Day was wonderful. *sigh* It started off with me finding little love notes around the house. Each one was a sentence long and each one made my heart feel so romanced. One of them was even a clue about what my presents would be about:

"If I were the Doctor I would take you with me."

I love the tv show Doctor Who. It's about a Time Lord called the Doctor who travels through time & space in his spaceship called the Tardis and usually travels with a companion. It calls to the very geeky side in me and also pulls at the adventure seeking heart strings. There are few shows that I can watch over and over, but Doctor Who is definitely one of those shows. Nate always tells me that he knows which shows mean the most to me if I end up crying while watching it. Yeah, I've cried while watching it. Don't judge! Everyone's heart gets tugged at with different things...mine just happens to be shows filled with adventure and friendship and the impossible.



Anyways when I saw that card tears filled up in my eyes. To have the Doctor ask you to join him is something special and rare. It's hard to describe. I already think of my hubby as the Doctor...and I am his Rose. (You really need to see the show to understand).

okay...tears again...

When my hubby got home he had hoped that my flower delivery would have gotten there, but it hadn't...and then ten mins later we got a call from the delivery guy asking how to get in the complex. Nate went out to just get the flowers and I personally think that it was more romantic to see him standing there holding this awesome arrangement rather than some stranger.


We usually do presents late at night, but we changed it up this year and gave them before we left. I got him the movie he has been dying to see every since the trailer. When we got back home later that night we curled up on the couch and watched Despicable Me. It was hilarious. And both of us want minions. It was my turn after his gift and OMG!!!! He got me a Doctor Who Illustrated Companion book and...wait for it... a Sonic Screwdriver!!!! You will never see the Doctor without one. I'm not going to try to explain in...go google it haha. I just want to say that this was the best freaking Valentines gift ever! I don't need diamonds or chocolates...just give me geeky toys that inspire me to dream and play! :-) Oh lordy...I am such a geek!



After presents we headed over to Tycoon Flats. If you've never been there please go! Their burgers are freaking juicy and unbelievable. And you need to try their Sweet Potato fries. O.M.G. Once we were full we headed over to a frozen yogurt place that we had a gift card to. It was yummy and instead of sitting inside we walked and talked and oohed & awed over our dessert.
It was a very romantic night...and very us... :-) We've had five V-day's together and I'm so looking forward to many, many more... *sigh* I'm a happy girl right now...and yes, I'm sitting here with my Sonic Screwdriver. Don't judge ;-P

New Hair for a New Year

So today I went and had all my hair chopped off! I loved my long hair for winter, but I definitely got tired of it and wanted something new and completely different!

I freaking love it!!