What I Grieve Every Day Because Of Infertility:

Seeing a positive pregnancy stick

Telling N that I'm pregnant

Hearing my baby's heart beat for the first time

Feeling N hold my hand while we look at our baby for the first time

Having a sonogram that showed us a tiny baby growing inside of me

Getting lots of sonogram pictures to post on the fridge and one in a frame for our wall

Finding out the sex of the baby

Sharing the news with all of our families

Picking out new names for the baby or using the ones we already have in mind

Having the cliche pregnancy announcement pictures taken. I always liked the one with the parent's shoes and then the tiny little shoes with the "coming soon" underneath.

Going baby shopping

Planning a nursery for the room upstairs

Dragging my pregnant body to baby showers

Feeling my baby move inside of me

Being annoyed that people feel it's okay to touch my pregnant belly without asking

People asking me about my pregnancy

Getting to talk about being pregnant

Capturing each month of my pregnancy in cute pictures

Deciding whether to breast feed or use formula

Holding my baby inside of my body for 9 months

Having N touch and talk to my big belly

Just being pregnant and all that it involves physically

Lack of sleep

Going to classes

Knowing that my family has all gathered together in the waiting room while I'm in labor

Labor

Holding my baby for the first time

The Fight For Life...

Choosing life and fighting to stay with that choice is hard. It's a battle that never seems to find an end.

In the past 2 years I've fought for different things. I've fought to dream, hope, believe, and trust. I've fought to keep going with trying to get pregnant even when there were no positive results. I've fought to stay calm during scary procedures and surgery. And finally I had to choose to fight for me. Fight to stay alive. I've had to put dreams in a cardboard box and place them in the storage room of my mind so that I can fight for life and not death.

I've put a lot of pressure on myself these past two months to heal quickly. I've fought against my grief and pain so that I can "get a grip" and "cope" better. And then I fought to stop numbing out to every single goddamn thing so that I can name truth about how I am really feeling. 

It's just one big fight that never ends. 

And all I can think about is how tired I am. 

How tired I am of fighting....especially when I have to fight for good things. 

N always reminds me how strong I am...that I've been fighting a long time...and I'm still here. 

I've been fighting in my late twenties to stay alive and not self harm. 

I've been fighting since my mid/late twenties to get pregnant. 

I've been fighting since my early twenties to deal my childhood/teenage baggage and fight the glorious fight of just being who I am. 

I was fighting in my late teens to believe that fairy tales did exist even though I was scared, lonely, naive, and just got a guy who wanted to get off and use me. 

I was fighting since my late teens to stay alive and not take the final exit. It had to get better, right? 

I was fighting in my late teens with an eating disorder, self-harming, and extreme self-contempt. 

I was fighting my whole childhood/teenage years to know if I was really loved and worth anything. 

I was fighting my whole childhood/teenage years with knowing I deserved to be seen and noticed and respected even thought no one else seemed to think that. 

I fought my whole childhood/teenage years to keep from drowning in the noise and chaos of parents who were fighting and screaming constantly. 

I was fighting when I was a little bitty girl to keep from remembering something horrible and traumatic that occurred because everyone trusted this person to be alone with me. 

I was fighting when I was born to stay alive and not die in NICU. 

My whole life has felt like one fight after another. Since the day I came into this world I have been fighting. And more often then not I wonder whether it's worth it to keep fighting. 

My heart is tired and broken, but somehow it's still alive and beating. 

It's strange. 

And I guess astounding.