I read an article last night about how suicide is a completely selfish act and those that choose that path are completely selfish for leaving their loved ones behind to pick up all the pieces. I've had a few people tell me that. Some have said it in regular conversation and others have said it directly towards to my situation. Every single damn time I have heard "suicide" and "selfish" in the same sentence my stomach has always turned. I fight back anger and nausea at those words.
"How dare you think of leaving this earth and not think about the people you will leave behind. Do you even know how devastated it will leave them. Did you even think about what they will have to go through after you willingly leave. You are so selfish to do that to them."
How dare I do that to them. How dare I, who is completely devastated and broken and ripped apart, someone who sits in the darkness every single day, who fights to stay alive every single second, someone who is scared and alone, how dare I not think past my own immediate pain and think of someone else's future pain.
I want to state that I completely understand what people are really trying to communicate. I know that it is their heart crying and breaking at the thought of losing you and they
So why can't we just say that?
Why can't people cry and hold someone's hand and say:
"I love you. I know that everything is so dark right now, but I need you to know that I am right here. You need to know that I love you so much. Please choose to stay a little longer. Please stay for you. Not me. Stay because you are worth it."
Stay because you are worth it vs Stay because otherwise you are selfish
Suicide is such a complicated matter. There are two sides.
One side contains the person considering/committing suicide
and
the other side contains the people who will be/are left behind.
I've been on both sides of the spectrum.
Currently I am walking away from the precipice. It's never easy to walk away. When everything is dark and painful, you can't see past what's beating you down. You can't think of other people. You can't always think about how your death will leave them feeling.
It's almost like blood is rushing into your ears leaving you unable to hear anything except what's happening in your own body. But we fight. We fight for one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day. We live to fight another day. And sometimes we can't fight anymore.
At the precipice we have two options, life or death.
Which one will we fight for today? Which one will win today?
As for me, I'm choosing another day of life. Actually I've chosen a few more months of life. I don't know what happens after that...I've given myself the freedom to not worry about it and to cross the bridge when I get there. As for today, I fought for life. Life for me. Not for someone else....just me.
That doesn't make me selfless... I'm not choosing to stay for other people....honestly other than my husband I can't even begin to care what other people think of my life or death. I'm being selfish. Today I fight for me.
2. Finding My Voice.
I don't think of myself as a strong person. I can be strong when I need to be, but I've never associated it along with my identity....along with who I am. But in the past two years, I have found a strength that I didn't know I had. It's not a loud strength and it's definitely not there every day. It pops up in the strangest moments and spurs me on towards whatever lies ahead. The places I've seen it show up the most is when I am being hurt or taken advantage of.
These past two years have slowly marched me towards standing up for myself regardless of the cost.
I will not stand by anymore and let people walk over me. I will set boundaries and hard, severe ones if need be. I will let my voice be heard even when it threatens the peace.
My voice.
It's has always been kept quiet and defeated after years and years of training and conditioning. Yet these two years have given my voice a courage I can't even begin to grasp. It's hard to explain. All I know is, I have changed and my voice has changed and I won't be steamrolled anymore by anyone.
3. God.
Unknown to anyone, expect my husband and counselor, my faith has taken a sharp detour of a cliff. I have been left hanging on to a god that has left me feeling unheard, unseen, abandoned, worthless, etc. While other's around me seem to be holding onto a secure faith that "God will work things out for the best.", "God is always here with us.", and "God is in control of everything." I have been seen all those things violently shredded in front of me.
Some people go through hard times or tragedy and come out stronger in their faith...never doubting their God and his infinite power. They encourage those who are hurting to dive into "The Word" and "Seek God"... "He will show himself if you are listening.".
My whole life I have tried to see who God really is. I've shed old views and picked up new ones. I've felt connected and disconnected to Him. I've always trusted that He cares about me...that He loves me.
These past two years have shaken me to the core. I've listened and sought and wept and fought. I may see small things here and there, but overall I have been left confused and angry.
Apparently I am dealing with a "crisis of faith".
I have decided to just shed everything...I don't really know if I am a "Christian" or not anymore.
I do believe that there is a god out there. I believe that he does exist. I believe that Jesus died and rose again. I didn't choose to believe those things lightly...I've sat with it for awhile. I mean, I can't really figure out anything else if I don't decided whether or not I believe those core things, right? So deep inside of me, I feel that these things are real and so I believe that.
Past all that though, I am totally over it.
I haven't darkened the doors of a church in months. I don't know if I will ever go back. I don't know where any of this will lead or end. I just know that slowly I will figure it out and figure out what I believe regardless of what my friends or the general populous believes.
I have some other thoughts on this subject, but for right now I'll leave it here....
