Today I am four weeks pregnant.
After all this time, I never thought those words would be written down here. My heart is a conglomeration of happiness, disbelief, fear, and excitement. I want to be so cautious that I listen only to the fears, but at the same time I want to abandon all fear and just embrace the happy.
I'm pregnant.
It's very hard for me to say those words out loud.
I can't believe it happened.
I'm over the moon that it happened.
I feel crampy and my boobs are sometimes tender and hurt. My hCG levels have been tested twice and they keep rising. Occasionally my stomach does some twists and turns and these hormones have got me weepy at the strangest things.
I love it. And it's scary.
A tiny onesie is hanging in our room and it reads "Future Captain" with a Star Trek vessel bellow the words.
Hopefully in March our baby will be wearing that onesie.
Hopefully in March, we'll be holding our miracle in our arms surrounded by all our friends and family.
There are so many fears, but tonight all that matters is that my womb is no longer empty.
We're going to have a baby.
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Today I had my 5 week hCG level test (yes, 5 weeks!) and my numbers came back at a 6,000. Wow.
We are left wondering if there are two babies nestled inside of me or just one baby. Either option is one we welcome with open arms. :-)
I scheduled our first ultrasound for next week and butterflies were coursing throughout my body and mind. It will be 6 weeks and we'll get to see our tiny miracle. It's still a shock. A beautiful shock.
I've had a few days this week where I sank into sadness. Worried that our 6% chance baby wouldn't make it or that my blood type will make it's tiny life harder. Fear sat with me on all the things that could go wrong. It went to all the places that scare me to my core. I don't want to lose this baby.
We have fought so freaking hard to stand here today and I am so scared that the happiness we feel and are experiencing will be ripped away. I am afraid that once again we will be made to look like fools for being so happy.
N keeps telling me that everything will be okay. This is our baby. He kisses my belly and sits in bed with me picking out names for our little boy or girl or little boys or girls. It's beautiful and incredible. I know that he is going to make an exceptionally fun, kind, loving father to our babies.
I don't want fear to control me here. I have waited 3 long, devastating years and I want to soak in the happiness and breathe in the beauty of what is happening.
I can't wait to see our baby next week. I'm pretty sure I'll sob the moment I see that little miracle.
Once we see our baby, we'll start spreading the word. Word of mouth only. I don't want a Facebook announcement. I know how horrible and sad that feels when another person is having the very thing you desperately want and dream to have. I don't want to be apart of that FB shame game.
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Tomorrow is the end of my 6 weeks. So strange to think that I will be 7 weeks pregnant.
This week we got to see our sweet angel for the first time. I started panicking the night before that instead of seeing a single baby or twins that we wouldn't see anything. I had to choose faith instead of fear that night.
We both walked in expecting to see Baby Spawn and dissolve into tears, but when we saw our tiny blob our hearts just melted into a happy sigh and a shout of "Finally!!".
I can't begin to describe the incredible beauty of seeing that ultrasound.
The past 3 years have only show me cysts and scarring and that Wednesday, I saw something I had given up hope on ever seeing. Breathtaking.
The doctor said baby was looking healthy and strong. What a good baby. :-)
And we got to hear the heartbeat. The Heartbeat! It was precious and once again breathtaking.
The ultrasound pictures are on our fridge. Every single time I walk into the kitchen I can't help, but smile like a goofy, lovesick woman. I love looking at our baby.
So far symptoms are: sore boobs, being very tired, wanting to eat all the time, cramping, and occasional stomach flips.
Can I just fast forward to the moment when my angel is finally in my arms. March cannot come soon enough.
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Weeks 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 have been wonderful.
I have the tiniest bump, but I keep expecting every morning to wake up to a bigger bump. Hasn't happened yet though. :-) Today is my first prenatal appointment and I'm nervous and excited. There are so many questions in my head, but I have no idea if I'm asking important questions or even the questions I should be asking. First time mom probs, I suppose.
It's so strange that I'm coming to the end of my first trimester. Strange and amazing and beautiful.
Cravings consists of mac and cheese and donuts. Not a bad mix. :-)
Aversions mainly consist of cupcakes. Yep, I said cupcakes. Needless to say, that hurts my cupcake heart. I tried a cupcake when I went on vacation to New York last week and proceeded to toss my cupcake up. It was a sad, disgusting moment. Nate is hoping Baby is a pie lover.
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