I've been walking and working on running these past two months. The walking part has been easy for me, but the running has been pure evil. I hate it. Either my legs give out on me or my lungs. After a month of trying to get a slow run for just 0.5mi, I finally did it! Well, just for one day. Everyday after that I couldn't seem to get the endurance back up. It's been exhausting and frustrating and discouraging, but I keep working on it.
The day of the race I woke up at 7:30am, hoping that it wouldn't be raining during my walk/run. I crawled out of bed tired and blurry eyed from falling asleep at 3am, slipped into my clothes, pulled on my shoes and stretched. I selected my "You Can Do It!" playlist and quietly exited the house.
It seemed to be a sleepy morning for everyone that Saturday. Usually there are folks out mowing their lawns or kids playing outside, but the whole time I was out there I saw maybe two cars driving by and one person grabbing their mail. With the cool, cloudy weather it felt mysteriously enchanting.
That day I decided to push myself and really run like I hadn't run before. For every two to three minutes I walked I would need to run for exactly one minute. It wasn't easy, but I did it regardless. Before I knew it, I had hit the 3.1mi mark at 42 minutes! I marked it down and kept going... I wanted to see if I could make it to 4 miles. As I rounded the corner on the last street, I looked up at the big hill (more like mountain!) I had to go over before I could run downhill straight to our house.
Each step got harder to take and my breathing wasn't as well regulated as I had been maintaining it so far. "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michelson came on and tears formed in my eyes. I was almost done. I had done the race and had kept going. My body had carried me this far and was going up the big, dreaded hill without faltering. The same body that had accomplished this so well was the same body that is dealing with infertility. This body of mine suffers a heartbreaking loss every month without fail. This body that has a 6% chance of getting pregnant is the same body that found the strength to run bravely. How is it possible? I was thankful for what it could do in that moment and grieving what it hasn't been able to do these past three years.
That day I was running for two things: my (and other women's) journey with Infertility and my journey with self-harm. Two very big things that I have been fighting.
In those 4 miles I wasn't able to suddenly get pregnant or have absolutely no desire to hurt myself, but in those 4 miles I was able to remember that the fight to stay alive was worth fighting.
This year I'm going to try fighting for me. I have a 10k, another 5k, and a half marathon to complete this year. And in July, I'll be purchasing my ticket to participate in Disney's Princess 10k for next year. There is so much emotionally tangled with the Disney one. This fight is hard and it's exhausting and most of the time I have to struggle to believe that I am not fighting a losing battle. One way I'm "guaranteeing" my entry into next year is to plan something big, different, and exciting. Disney's Princess 10k is perfect for that.
I don't know what the rest of this year will look like, but I know that I'm a little stronger and I'm just trying to take it one day, one race at a time. It's all I can do right now and it'll have to be enough.
1 comment:
Love seeing you fight for your life and heart. You amaze me!
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